Chillin' On the Dark Side
by Fadeaway Windwaker
Summary: It's insanity at its best. Or worst. It tries to have a plot, but usually fails. Falling out of your chair may occur due to disbelieving laughter or just disbelief. Chapter 12: Chalkzone, a possessive Fiona, and muffins.
1. The Insanity Begins

YEAH! MY FAVORITE KIND OF FANFIC! ONE THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE FROM THE VERY FIRST SENTENCE! COMPLETE AND TOTAL INSANITY! ^________^ WARNING: PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET VERY VERY OOC! WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL GOING INSANE, THAT'S WHY! ENJOY!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Zoids. BUT I WILL SOON!  
  
CHILLIN' ON THE DARK SIDE  
(setting is Dark Kaiser's lair)  
  
CHAPTER 1: The Insanity Begins  
  
"Man, I really wish I had some new socks!" Raven told Shadow. "How 'bout you, Shadow?"  
"Organoids don't wear socks, you moron!" Shadow told him.  
"ARRRR, SHUT UP OR I'LL THROW YOU IN THE SCRAP HEAP!" Raven yelled.  
Shadow started walking away. "Well, we'll just see what the Dark Kaiser has to say about that!"  
"That old loaf of bread? HE IS NOT MY MASTER!" Raven shouted.  
"LOAF OF BREAD, EH? YOUR BETRAYAL IS MOST UNADMIRABLE, RAVEN!" the Dark Kaiser shouted angrily.(Yes, I know that the Dark Kaiser is really Prozen but I like calling him the Dark Kaiser better. So deal with it. ^_^)  
"WHITE OR WHEAT?" Raven yelled.  
"WHY DO YOU WANNA KNOW?" the Dark Kaiser asked. Suddenly, Hiltz dropped out of the sky, as he often does. "HILTZ! PLEASURE TO SEE YOU, OLD BOY! PUT THIS REBEL IN HIS PLACE!" the Dark Kaiser commanded.  
Hiltz turned to Raven. "You and your Zoid are a worthless waste of space. This is a message from the Dark Kaiser."  
Raven's eyes narrowed angrily. "TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, YOU PITIFUL FOOL!"   
Hiltz shook his head. "Oh, Raven. You should learn to control your mouth! It might result in your ultimate demise."  
"JUST WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" Raven asked, shaking his fist at Hiltz.  
"Uh-uh. I wouldn't do that if I were you. AMBIENT, DESTROY!" Hiltz demanded. After a few minutes had passed and he still hadn't gotten a response, Hiltz looked around angrily. "AMBIENT, WHERE ARE YOU?" he shouted. Then he turned around to see Ambient sleeping under the shade of a mountain ledge. "AHHHHHHHH!" Hiltz fell over.   
Raven laughed. "Looks like your organoid doesn't listen very well. Shadow's much more obedient than that red piece of junk! SHADOW, COME!" he yelled.  
"Nah, I'd rather not destroy any Republican bases today. How 'bout tomorrow?" Shadow said.  
"HUH? REBELLION? SHADOW, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SCRAP METAL! YOU DON'T CHOOSE WHEN TO LISTEN TO ME! I AM YOUR MASTER AND YOU ARE TO OBEY MY EVERY COMMAND!" Raven shouted at him.  
"Yeah, about that......look, I'm kinda sick of takin' orders from a half-wit like you. I figure it's time that we go our separate ways and I can start blazing my own trail!" Shadow explained.  
"WHAT IS THIS, AN ABC TALK SHOW?!" Raven exploded. "IF YOU DON'T GET IN THE GENOBREAKER RIGHT NOW, I'LL KICK YOU OVER THE HILLS!"   
"Now you see, that's exactly your problem, Raven! You get angered far too easily." Shadow told him.  
"OH, COME ON! DO YOU JUST SIT AROUND AND WATCH OPRAH WHEN I'M GONE? IS THAT WHERE YOU GET ALL THIS CRAP?" Raven yelled.  
"Remember Raven, violence is not the answer to our problems." Shadow replied.  
"OH, I'LL GIVE YOU AN ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM, ALL RIGHT!" Raven shouted, stepping towards Shadow.   
Hiltz laughed at Raven's pitiful attempts to control his organoid. "Looks like Shadow is worthless in your hands! Perhaps I should take him and he can help me control the Death Stinger! Imagine the power! The destruction! I might even get a promotion!"  
"I doubt that. I'm not promoting anyone who nearly burned down my entire underground hideout!" the Dark Kaiser yelled.  
"Aw, come on! I thought we were over that! It was just a tiny flare! Besides, it wasn't even my fault! Ambient was the one who wanted to use lighter fluid! He said it would make the eggs taste better!" Hiltz complained.  
This time Raven was the one laughing. "YOU TRIED TO MAKE EGGS?! WITH LIGHTER FLUID?! HA HA HA HA!! AND I THOUGHT SHADOW WAS STUPID! OH, MAN, WHAT AN IDIOT!"   
Ambient got up and whipped Raven across the face with his tail. Raven fell to the ground. "GEEZ, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SO MAD ABOUT IT! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU AND HILTZ ARE TOTAL MORONS!" Raven yelled angrily.  
"WHAD'YA MEAN 'A TINY FLARE'?!?" the Dark Kaiser shouted, getting back to what Hiltz had said. "YOU ALMOST BURNED DOWN MY ENTIRE LAIR!"   
"WELL, I SENT AMBIENT TO GET THE IMPERIAL FIRE DEPARTMENT, DIDN'T I? IS IT MY FAULT THAT HE GOT LOST AND DIDN'T GET BACK UNTIL THE ENTRANCE HAD CAUGHT ON FIRE?! BESIDES, THAT WAS JUST THE ONE TIME!" Hiltz protested.  
"ONE TIME? ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE TOASTER INCIDENT?!?" the Dark Kaiser yelled.  
"HEY, THAT WAS NOT ME! THAT WAS ALL REESE! SHE GOT MAD BECAUSE HER TOAST WAS TAKING TOO LONG AND SHE BLEW UP THE TOASTER WITH HER CREEPY POWERS!" Hiltz shouted.  
Meanwhile Raven was dying of laughter in the corner. "OH MAN! REESE BLEW UP A TOASTER!?!? WHEN DO YOU GUYS DO ALL THIS GREAT STUFF?!? WHERE THE HECK WAS I?"  
"Oh, blowing up Republican bases, I suppose." the Dark Kaiser said airily.  
Raven folded his arms across his chest. "Well, if I knew you guys were having so much fun, I might have stuck around this dump for awhile!"  
"Ahem! What did you just call my domain?" the Dark Kaiser asked threateningly.  
"You heard right. This place is a dump. I mean, come on! These neon lights are so '60's! Did you let Reese do the decorating in here?" Raven asked scornfully.  
"WHAT?" the Dark Kaiser thundered.  
"Uh, but let's get back to the story! So, what happened next, Hiltz?" Raven said quickly.  
"Well, after REESE blew up the toaster, the whole place caught on fire! It was way worse than a couple fried eggs and lighter fluid! I mean, she could have blasted all of us off the planet with those creepy eyes of hers!" Hiltz shouted.  
"ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP, HILTZ! REESE MAY HAVE BEEN THE ONE THAT BLEW UP THE TOASTER BUT THE FIRE DIDN'T ACTUALLY START UNTIL YOU PICKED IT UP AND THREW IT AGAINST THE WALL!" the Dark Kaiser yelled.  
"WHO WOULDN'T? MY TOAST WAS IN THERE, TOO, YA KNOW, AND SHE COMPLETELY TORCHED IT! BESIDES, I BOUGHT THAT TOASTER WITH MY BIRTHDAY MONEY AND SHE JUST WENT AND DESTROYED IT!" Hiltz whined.  
"YOU THREW A FLAMING TOASTER AGAINST THE WALL?!? OH, THIS IS TOO MUCH! I GOTTA STICK AROUND MORE OFTEN SO I CAN WATCH YOU IDIOTS! THIS SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN TORCHING A COUPLE OF BASES!" Raven laughed.  
  
Man, that was fun! ^_^ Please review and tell me what you think! I should have the next chapter up really soon cause I love doing stuff like this. 


	2. Enter Reese

First I'd like to say: thanks for the reviews! You guys are the best! And I'm really happy today cause..........THE NEW LINKIN PARK CD COMES OUT ON THE 25TH!!!!! YEA LINKIN PARK!!!!! CAN'T WAIT, CAN'T WAIT! ^______________^  
  
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Zoids. Or Linkin Park. So unfair!  
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side  
  
CHAPTER 2: Enter Reese  
Suddenly, Reese burst in through the ceiling on Specula. "Blaming the toaster incident on me again, Hiltz?" she asked as she fell to the ground amid rocks and dirt.  
"BUT IT WAS YOUR FAULT! YOU AND YOUR STUPID EYES!" Hiltz yelled.  
The Dark Kaiser groaned. "REESE! I JUST FIXED ALL THE LEAKS! IF I WANTED A SKYLIGHT, I'D ASK FOR ONE!" he shouted.  
"Don't lose your cool, old man, it's just a hole! Besides, the weatherman said that it wasn't supposed to rain tonight!" Reese said, waving her hand around carelessly.  
No sooner had she spoken when there was a crash of thunder and a bolt of lightning. The rain poured down heavily through the hole in the ceiling. "REEEEESE!!!" the Dark Kaiser exploded.  
"Heh, heh. Those stupid weathermen! What do they know?" Reese shrugged nervously. Realizing that he was still angry she added, "Aw, don't lose it, old man! Just stay away from the hole in the ceiling!"  
"OLD MAN! REESE, WHERE IS YOUR RESPECT? YOU'RE DISPLAYING A TOTAL DISREGUARD FOR AUTHORITY! THIS COULD PUT MY ENTIRE PROMOTIONAL CAMPAIGN IN JEOPARDY!" Hiltz complained.  
"WHAT PROMOTION??!!" the Dark Kaiser yelled at the same time Reese shouted, "YOU'RE GIVING THAT IDIOT A PROMOTION?!?"   
Raven was once again laughing hysterically. "I WAS RIGHT! THIS IS SO MUCH MORE AMUSING THAN OBLITERATING A FEW LOUSY BASES!! YOU GUYS ARE JUST PLAIN STUPID!" he laughed as they continued to argue.  
Finally the Dark Kaiser yelled, "SHUT UP! NONE OF YOU MORONS ARE GETTING A PROMOTION AND THAT IS FINAL! THE DARK KAISER HAS SPOKEN!"  
"All hail the majestic pumpernickel!" Raven bowed sarcastically.  
"YOUR LACK OF RESPECT PROVIDES A PERFECT REASON FOR YOUR DEMISE!" the Dark Kaiser threatened.  
"Oh, good one! It even rhymed!" Raven called out.  
"No it didn't! The rhythm was completely off!" Reese argued.  
"All right then, you make up a rhyme, you stupid Zoidian!" Raven shouted.  
"With a charged particle gun and my blue zoid, I battled Raven, who was quickly destroyed!" Reese recited smugly.  
"YEAH, BRING IT! COME ON!" Raven yelled.   
"Uh, yeah, you tell her, Raven!" Shadow shouted from the corner.  
"SHUT UP YA HUNK O' JUNK!" Raven yelled.  
"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! I'M TRYING TO MAKE A CHRISTMAS LIST AND YOU ARE DISTRACTING ME!" the Dark Kaiser thundered. "OH, BY THE WAY, REESE, DID YOU TAKE THE ZOIDS R' US CATALOG WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?"  
"Uh.....well, uh.......BUT HILTZ TOLD ME TO DO IT!" Reese whined.  
"HEY! NO I DIDN'T, REESE, YOU STUPID LIER!" Hiltz shouted from the corner where he was sitting at a child's school desk with a crayon in his hand. "Hey, does anybody know how to spell 'Santa'?" he added.  
"WELL, DID YOU TAKE IT? I WANT ANSWERS, REESE!" the Dark Kaiser demanded.  
Reese looked around the cave frantically. Hiltz was sitting in the corner scribbling on a piece of paper and humming the Sesame Street theme song. "That moron isn't gonna be any help," she muttered to herself. Then she spotted Raven and smiled. "YEAH, DARK KAISER, IT WAS RAVEN! HE SNEAKED INTO YOUR OFFICE WHEN YOU WEREN'T THERE AND TOOK THE CATALOG! IT WAS A COLD CALCULATED ACT OF THEFT!" Reese yelled frantically.   
"WHAT?!?" Raven screamed incredously. "I TOOK THE ZOIDS R' US CATALOG?! I TOOK IT?!"  
"THERE YA GO LADIES AND GENTS OF THE JURY! A CONFESSION STRAIGHT FROM THE MOUTH OF THE CRIMINAL HIMSELF!" Reese yelled.  
Specula and Ambient sat at a little table with papers and pens set in front of them. Shadow sat in a raised chair with a tall desk in front of him. He banged a large cartoon hammer on the desk. "THE TWO MEMBERS OF THE BEEF JERKY WILL NOW PROVIDE US WITH THEIR OPINIONS!" he said to Specula and Ambient.  
"Jury, Shadow, jury, you idiot!" Specula hissed as the two organoids scribbled on the papers.   
"HOLD UP YOUR PAPERS FOR THE OCCUPANTS OF THE COURT TO SEE!" Shadow demanded, banging his hammer.  
Specula and Ambient held up their papers. Specula's had GUILTY written on it in shaky capital letters. Ambient's had a picture of a big cookie. Shadow looked at him. "GULITY OR NOT GUILTY, AMBIENT?" he shouted.  
"BUT I'M HUNGRY!" Ambient complained. He turned over his paper and wrote GUILTY.  
Shadow banged the hammer on the table. "THE JURY HAS SPOKEN AND HAS FOUND RAVEN GUILTY OF STEALING THE ZOIDS R' US MAGAZINE! HE IS NOW SENTENCED TO SEVERAL YEARS OF SLAVERY UNDER THE DARK KAISER AND HE HAS TO BRING HIM FRENCH TOAST IN BED EVERY MORNING!" he yelled.  
"WHAT?!? SHADOW! WHAT IN BLAZES DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU STUPID ORGANOID?! YOU CAN'T GO AGAINST ME! I AM YOUR MASTER!" Raven screamed angrily.  
Shadow shrugged. "Sorry, buddy, but the jury says you're guilty! I don't really like all this judge stuff, anyway. I just like banging the big hammer!"  
"ARRRRRRRRR, SHADOW!!!!!" Raven yelled.  
Reese came up behind Raven and grabbed him. "HEY, LET GO OF ME!" Raven shouted, struggling to get free.  
Reese shrugged. "Hey, buddy, you heard the man! You're guilty and you gotta pay! As my good friend Smokey the Bear would say, 'Don't do the crime if you can't do the time!"  
Hiltz looked up from his Christmas list. "THAT'S NOT SMOKEY, YOU MORON! SMOKEY THE BEAR SAYS 'ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES!'" Hiltz yelled pointing a finger at Raven.  
Raven looked at the idiots around him. "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? YOU ALL BELONG IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION, YOU HEAR ME?! LET ME GO!!!" he screamed.  
Reese shook her head. "Sorry, Mr., but I can't do that. You're sentenced to several years of slavery, according to the book. Hope ya know how to make flapjacks!"  
"Doesth anybody hath a stampth?" Hiltz asked as he licked the envelope shut.  
Raven sighed and covered his face with his hands. "I'm surrounded by total morons." he muttered.  
  
Poor Raven! He's the only one so far who's managed to maintain his sanity! But how much more can he put up with? Please review and if you want, you can guess how much longer you think Raven will stay sane! Okay? Till the lunacy of chapter 3, see ya!  
LINKIN PARK RULES!!!!!!! 


	3. Surprise, surprise

Hey, I'm back and I've got another chapter! So let's just skip all the talk and get straight to the insanity, shall we? Okay, just remember that last time Hiltz had his letter for Santa, right? You need to know that for the beginning of this chapter to make sense....wait a second! This fic isn't supposed to make sense! What's going on here?!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zoids. I own some candy, some Beckett magazines, and a malfunctioning CD player. Does that really sound like the owner of a major action anime to you? I didn't think so.   
  
Chillin' On The Dark Side  
  
CHAPTER 3: Surprise, surprise  
  
Reese rolled her eyes. "What'dya gonna do, send it to the North Pole? IT'S SEPTEMBER, YOU MENTAL CASE!" she yelled.  
"Yeah, but Santa gets real busy this time of year! Sometimes he doesn't even get everyone's list! But I'm way ahead of all those other idiots. I made my list early so I can be sure that it'll reach Santa in time! Pretty smart, huh?" Hiltz explained, looking proud of himself.  
Reese picked up a frying pan and chucked it at Hiltz's head. "THERE IS NO SANTA, YOU MORON! IT'S JUST A STUPID FAIRY TALE MADE UP TO TRICK STUPID CHILDREN!" she screamed.  
Hiltz looked like someone had punched him in the stomach and knocked the wind out of him. "THAT IS NOT TRUE, REESE!" he cried in agony.  
Reese smiled evilly. "Yeah, it is, Hiltz. There is no Santa." she smirked. "He's not real."  
"NO! SANTA'S REAL! THE DARK KAISER WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME!" Hiltz shouted.  
Reese shook her head. "You just don't get it, do ya? You actually think there's a big fat guy in a red suit living at the North Pole with a bunch of elves who make toys and twelve reindeer?" she scoffed.  
"YES!" Hiltz yelled. "DASHER DANCER PRANCER VIXON COMET CUPID DONNER BLITZEN! AND THE VERY LAST REINDEER OF ALLLLLLLLLL......RUDOLPH!!!!!!" he sang loudly.  
"SHUT UP!" Raven screamed, covering his ears.  
"Look, Hiltz, have you ever actually seen this Santa character?" Reese asked.  
"Well, uh.......no." Hiltz admitted.  
"Then how do you know he even exists?" Reese asked slyly.  
"Well,uh......I guess........huh.......OH NO! I DON'T!!" he shouted.  
"Told ya." Reese nodded smugly.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY LIFE IS A LIE! MY WHOLE LIFE IS BASED ON A ROTTEN LIE!!! HOW CAN THIS BE?! THIS IS.......INHUMAN!!!" Hiltz screamed.  
The Dark Kaiser shook his head. "Look what you did, Reese! You ruined his childhood hopes and dreams! I hope you're happy!"  
"I got him to shut up, didn't I?" Reese shot back angrily. "That was more than you could do!"  
They were interrupted suddenly when Specula and Shadow started yelling at Ambient. They were sitting at a table playing poker and Ambient was apparently winning.   
"ROYAL FLUSH?! GET OUTTA HERE, YA STUPID CHEATER!" Shadow roared at Ambient.  
Specula threw her cards up into the air. "THAT'S IT, I GIVE UP! AMBIENT WINS EVERY GAME! CAN'T WE JUST PLAY CHECKERS OR SOMETHIN'?"   
Shadow stared at her. "CHECKERS?!? WHAT KINDA MORON ARE YOU? WHO THE HECK WOULD WANNA PLAY CHECKERS?"  
(Offscreen- Van: Hey Zeke, wanna play checkers, buddy?!)  
"Hey, that reminds me! I forgot to ask Santa for my MYSTERY DATE boardgame! (Ever see those really gay commercials with all the stupid girls for that dumb Mystery Date game with the gay pink plastic phone?) Oh well, I'll just open the envelope and add it on-" suddenly Hiltz stopped speaking and a look of horrible realization appeared on his face. "OH WAIT, I FORGOT!!! THERE IS NO SANTA!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!! NO NO NO NO! HOW AM I EVER GONNA GET MY TOASTER BACK NOW?" Hiltz screamed, banging his head against the wall. "HEY DARK KAISER, THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME A RAISE?!?"  
The Dark Kaiser laughed at Hiltz's pitifulness. "A raise? What the heck are you talking about, I don't even pay you!" No sooner had he finished his sentence that he clapped his hand over his mouth, but it was too late. The fatal mistake had been made.  
Hiltz stopped smashing his head against the rock wall. "WHAT?!?! AFTER EVERYTHING I DID FOR YOU I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO GET PAID?!? THAT WAS NOT IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION!"   
"Well I never said I was going to pay you, now did I?" Dark Kaiser asked smugly.   
Upon hearing that she wasn't going to be paid either, Reese decided to take matters into her own hands. And she handled it very well. "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PAY US?!?" Reese whined. "WHY NOT, YA STUPID CHEAPSKATE?"  
"HA HA HA HA! CAUSE NONE OF YOU IDIOTS DESERVE TO GET PAID, THAT'S WHY!" Raven yelled.  
"Exactly. Very well said, Raven. Not one of you three morons deserves payment." the Dark Kaiser agreed.  
Raven's smirk turned into a look of shock. "WHAT?!? YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GONNA PAY ME EITHER?!? WHAT IS THIS, SLAVERY?!?"  
"It's not like I actually needed your services. Besides, you messed up most of the missions I gave you anyway. Raven, have you even noticed that Van is still living? And Reese, when I am I going to get that Ancient Zoidian girl? And Hiltz, why hasn't this planet been obliterated?" the Dark Kaiser told them.  
"OH, LIKE IT'S MY FAULT THAT THE CREATORS OF THIS SHOW CONSPIRE AGAINST VILLIANS AND MAKE SURE THE STUPID HEROES ALWAYS WIN?!?" Raven yelled. (WHY do they do that?! It annoys the heck outta me!)  
"YEAH, HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THAT ZOIDIAN BRAT WHEN SHE'S BEING PROTECTED BY THE STUPID HERO?!?" Reese shrieked.  
"AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DESTROY THE WORLD WITH THAT LOUSY CRUSTACEAN AND NO BREAD ON THE TABLE BECAUSE I WORK FOR A TYRANT THAT WON'T PAY ME?!?" Hiltz screamed.  
"My, my, we're a loud bunch, aren't we? Quit blaming your pathetic problems on me. Maybe if you all worked together you could complete your tasks successfully." Dark Kaiser suggested.  
Raven, Reese, and Hiltz looked at each other in disgust. Nobody said anything until Raven called out, "YEAH RIGHT! LIKE I'D EVER WANT TO BE SEEN WITH LITTLE GIRL BLUE AND HER SIDEKICK BOZO, PILOT OF THE DEATH LOBSTER!!! HA HA HA HA! GOOD ONE, BREAD BOY!" he shouted as he laughed uncontrollably.  
Reese glared at him. "THAT RED-HEADED CIRCUS CLOWN IS NOT MY SIDEKICK! AND IT'S NOT LIKE I WANNA TEAM UP WITH YOU EITHER! OR HILTZ! WHO'D WANNA TEAM UP WITH DUMB AND DUMBER?" she yelled.  
"KNOCK KNOCK!" Hiltz cried out.   
Raven returned Reese's venemous stare. "AT LEAST I DON'T SEND OUT A BUNCH OF STUPID LITTLE ROBOTIC BUGS TO DO MY WORK FOR ME, ZOIDIAN TRASH!"   
Reese looked like she was about to blow. "DON'T INSULT MY PEOPLE YOU STUPID JERK!" Using her creepy powers, she picked Raven up and smashed him against the wall. As he slumped to the floor, he did what he always did when he was in trouble. "SHADOW!" Raven yelled.  
"Yeah, whad'ya want, ya tyrannical bully?" Shadow called out casually.  
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GET THE HECK OVER HERE! I AM YOUR MASTER AND I DEMAND YOU TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF REESE!" Raven commanded.  
"Aw, come on Raven, I'm right in the middle of a game here! Can't you handle it yourself?" Shadow called back as he dealt another hand.  
"FINE! I DON'T NEED YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF JUNK! I'LL KILL HER MYSELF!" Raven fumed. He jumped to his feet and lunged towards Reese. She jumped aside and he crashed into a small figurine. The figurine fell over and smashed into pieces.  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! LITTLE KAISER!!!!! RAVEN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!!?? THAT WAS A PRICELESS ANTIQUE!!!!" the Dark Kaiser screamed in agony.  
Raven was getting sick of getting screamed at by Reese and the Dark Kaiser. "OH SHUT UP, WOULD YA? IF YOU WANT TO SEE A STUPID ANTIQUE, GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR!" he yelled at the Dark Kaiser.  
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN!!!" the Dark Kaiser thundered. The whole room shook with his rage.   
"I SAID KNOCK KNOCK!" Hiltz repeated angrily.  
Ambient sighed, knowing that his idiotic master was going to keep it up until someone answered him. "Who's there, ya moron?" he asked.  
"HOAGIES!" Hiltz cried happily.  
Reese smiled evilly. "HOAGIES, EH? GO AWAY, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" she screamed.  
Hiltz started to get mad again. "THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY, STUPID! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY 'HOAGIES WHO?'!" he shouted.  
"HOAGIES YOU!!!!" Reese shrieked with laughter.  
Raven stared at her in utter astonishment. "That is quite possibly THE GAYEST THING that you have ever said." he remarked.  
Hiltz pointed an accusing finger at Reese. "YOU STOLE MY LINE, YOU BLUE-HAIRED FREAK!" he cried.  
"YEAH, WHAT'S IT TO YA?" Reese called out.  
  
Kinda sudden ending there. Sorry about that, but I'll get the next chapter up soon enough. And no, I still don't own Zoids. So I'm just gonna go listen to my malfunctioning CD player while eating candy bars and reading Beckett Collector, and wish that I did. 


	4. The Dark Kaiser is SANTA!

It's March 25 and you know what that means.....NEW LINKIN PARK CD! YEAH, ALL RIGHT! So I'm posting new chapters today on both of my stories in honor of Meteroa, since LP is my muse and all. Seriously, I don't think I've written one word of this story without having them blasting in the background! Heck, I'm listening to Hybrid Theory right now and hopefully I'll be listening to Meteora tonight! ^______________^  
  
Review responses that ShadowWind stupidly forgot to include in the last chapter:   
to Amrun: Yeah, you're right about that. Raven never WAS sane. But that's just one of the things that makes him so awesome! HOORAY FOR US CRAZY LINKIN PARK FANS!  
to The Black Blade Liger X: YES, TRY AGAIN! TRY AS MANY TIMES AS YOU HAVE TO! NEVER GIVE UP ON LINKIN PARK! I mean, you'll have to succeed eventually, right?!   
to everyone: Thanks guys! Your reviews are what keeps me going!  
  
Disclaimer: Well, I ate the candy bars but I still have the magazines and my broken CD player! Do you think the people who actually DO own Zoids would be interested in a possible trade?  
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side  
  
CHAPTER 4: The Dark Kaiser is....SANTA?!  
  
Hiltz was pondering an answer when he suddenly came up with another question. (In case you're wondering, the question he's pondering an answer to is Reese's question at the end of the last chapter: "YEAH, WHAT'S IT TO YA?" Okay?) "Hey Reese! If Santa's not real, then how did I get all my presents all those other years?" he asked triumphantly.  
Reese sighed. "Come on, Hiltz! Haven't we already fully established that Santa DOESN'T exist? Can't you just shut up about that fat, red-suited, figment of your imagination?"  
"ANSWER THE QUESTION, REESE!" Hiltz shouted.  
Reese rolled her eyes. "Dark Kaiser bought the presents to shut you up, Hiltz! There, that's your answer! Dark Kaiser bought them in a futile attempt to SHUT YOU UP!!" she explained.   
Hiltz gasped. He walked slowly over to the great orb where the Dark Kaiser was and looked up at it. "Is it true Dark Kaiser?" he asked.  
"Of course it's true, you idiot!" Dark Kaiser shouted.  
Hiltz's eyes grew big and shiny. *.* "YOU'RE SANTA?!?!" he asked in awe.  
Reese walked over to the wall and began banging her head against it. "No no no no no no no no no no no no!!!!!" she chanted with each smash.   
Raven snickered. "Good one, Reese! You've really done it now!"  
"NO, I'M NOT SANTA, YOU STUPID MORON!! HOW DARE YOU EVEN IMPLY SUCH A THING?! I AM SLIM AND TRIM, THANKS TO THE JENNY CRAIG WEIGHT LOSS PLAN!!" the Dark Kaiser yelled. Raven collapsed on the floor laughing.  
But Hiltz was too dumbstruck to listen. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SANTA'S BEEN RIGHT HERE THE WHOLE TIME! HEY WOW!! THAT MEANS WE MUST LIVE IN THE NORTH POLE!" he babbled excitedly. "HEY DARK KAISER, WHERE ARE THE ELVES?? HUH? WHERE ARE THE REINDEER? CAN I TRADE THE DEATH STINGER IN FOR RUDOLPH? WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE SANTA?!? HOW ARE YOU IN EVERY MALL ON THE PLANET AT THE SAME TIME?!?" Hiltz yelled.  
"OH FOR PETE'S SAKE, WOULD SOMEBODY SHUT HIM UP?!? HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY HERE! REESE, I'LL KILL YOU!!" Dark Kaiser screamed.  
Reese didn't answer. She just continued smashing her head against the wall while Raven laughed hysterically. Hiltz kept up with his questions. Meanwhile, Shadow, Specula, and Ambient had gathered together in a corner.   
"Hey guys," Shadow hissed. "Who the heck is Pete?"  
The other organoids shrugged. "I dunno, but whoever he is, he better look out. Cause he's dead if the Dark Kaiser finds him!" Ambient replied.  
"Hey, did you guys know that Dark Kaiser was Santa?" Specula asked. Shadow and Ambient shook their heads.  
"No. It's probably just one of the many secrets he keeps from us." Shadow said.  
"Yeah, like, who's Pete?" Specula said.  
"And why does Hiltz have to shut up for Pete's sake? Is Dark Kaiser gonna kill Pete if Hiltz doesn't shut up?" Ambient added.  
"What kind of roll is the Dark Kaiser?" Shadow asked.  
"White?" Ambient suggested.  
"Or wheat?" Specula added.  
"Pumpernickel!!" yelled Shadow.  
"Whole-grain!"  
"Banana!"  
"Raisin!"  
"Sesame seed!"   
"Cinnamon roll!"  
"CHOCOLATE!! CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!" Ambient screamed wildly. "CHOCOLATE!!!"  
Everything stopped. Raven stopped laughing, Reese stopped smashing her head against the wall, Dark Kaiser stopped screaming at Reese and Hiltz, and Hiltz even stopped his continual string of stupid, annoying questions. Everyone stared at Ambient.   
"HEY, AMBIENT! DO YOU MIND?!? WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY HERE!" Reese screamed.  
Ambient suddenly stopped screaming. "Oh, uh, sorry." he replied calmly.  
With that, everyone resumed their original activity. Reese went back to bashing her blue head against the wall, Dark Kaiser started shouting at everyone, Hiltz continued his questions, and Raven continued to crack up watching the scene.  
Suddenly Raven stopped laughing. An incredibly evil smile spread across his face. He walked over to Hiltz. "Hey, Hiltz. Come here, I gotta secret to tell ya." he whispered evilly.  
"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF COOKIE? HOW MUCH DO YOU GET PAID? HOW DO YOU-" Hiltz stopped his questions when he heard Raven and walked over to him.  
Raven smiled triumphantly. "Hey, Hiltz," he whispered. "Ever wonder why Reese hangs out here all the time?"  
Hiltz shook his head.  
"It's cause....SHE'S AN ELF!" Raven whispered loudly, barely able to contain his laughter.  
Hiltz's eyes widened in wonder. "Really? A real live elf?!?" he asked in awe. Then his eyes narrowed. "Hey, wait a second! Aren't elves supposed to be short?"  
This little problem didn't stop Raven at all. He came up with a quick answer. "Well, yeah, they're SUPPOSED to be short. But, well, think of Reese as the ugly duckling! You know, the one who didn't turn out right and got all messed up?"   
"Wow! Not only is Reese an elf, she's a demented one? Is that why she's so stupid?" Hiltz asked in wonder.  
"Yup. That's why, Hiltz. That's why." Raven answered. He was still trying his hardest to hold in his laughter but finally he couldn't do it anymore. He collapsed on the floor laughing, wondering how in the world anyone could be so stupid.  
Hiltz walked over to Reese and tapped her on the shoulder. She looked up at him in annoyance. "Yeah, what'dya want you moron?" she asked testily.  
"Wow, Reese, how come you never told me you were an elf? Do you like making toys? Is the Dark Kaiser bossy? Does he get mad because you paint all the toys blue? Do you have to wear little pointy shoes and hats with bells on them? What kind of hours do you keep? How much do you get paid?" Hiltz asked in a rush.  
Reese stared at him in complete surprise, trying to take in everything he had just said. Was it possible? Had he actually gotten stupider in the past five minutes? "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZI GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT I WAS AN ELF?" she shouted.  
Hiltz patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Reese, I know it's hard to be different. But just because you're a demented elf and you got all messed up when you were born doesn't mean you can't make great toys!" he reassured her.  
Reese's mouth dropped open. "DEMENTED ELF? ALL RIGHT HILTZ, WHO'S BEEN TELLING YOU THIS CRAP?!? I KNOW YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE COME UP WITH THIS ON YOUR OWN!" she shrieked.  
Hiltz shook his head. "Oh, Reese. You're an elf in denial!" he said sadly.  
Reese looked around the room furiously, trying to figure out who had put those idiotic ideas in Hiltz's head. Then she spotted Raven laughing hysterically at his own genius, and stormed over to him.  
"What, pray tell, is so amusing?" Reese asked Raven in a dangerously calm voice.  
Raven struggled to talk. "He-he actually believes that YOU'RE an elf!!" he managed to say.  
Reese put her finger to her chin and tilted her head in mock wonder. "And I wonder who gave him that idea?" she asked coldly. "Oh, and, not only does he think I'm an elf, but a demented one at that! Now who came up with that brilliant idea?" she added, her eyes narrowed.  
"Well, you know. Elves are supposed to be short. So you're like the ugly duckling, ya know? The one who got all messed up?!" Raven explained, trying his hardest to keep a straight face. Man, even fighting Van wasn't this much fun!  
"YOU WANNA GET ALL MESSED UP?!?" Reese asked furiously, holding up a clenched fist.  
"If ya ask me, he's got a pretty ugly mug already!" Shadow yelled.  
Raven shot a poison glare at his organoid. "STAY OUTTA THIS, YA SCRAP HEAP!" he yelled angrily.  
Reese nodded. "Yes, I agree, Shadow. But I think I'm gonna do a little renovation!" she declared, shaking her fist threateningly.  
Raven laughed. "Yeah right! Like I'm gonna let a little blue-haired demented elf take me down! Get real, Reese!"   
Reese's face turned red with anger. "YOU'LL REGRET THAT REMARK WHEN MY FIST IS DOWN YOUR THROAT, YOU LITTLE PUNK!" she shrieked.  
Raven held his hands up in defense. "Hey, Reese, chill out, all right?! Too much anger could cause your blood pressure to skyrocket, therefore decreasing your toy-making productivity!" he warned. He tried to keep his face deadly serious, but cracked up laughing halfway through the sentence.  
His casual attitude was making Reese even more angry. "RAAAAAAAAAVEEEEEEEEEN!!! I'LL HANG YOU BY YOUR COLLAR ON THE EDGE OF A CLIFF AND HIRE STORM SWORDERS TO SHOOT YOU TO DEATH!" she screamed wildly.  
"Oh boy, that IS cruel and unusual, Reese! You're not even going to let me have dinner first? Man, are you ever a hardcore criminal!" Raven remarked sarcastically.  
"OKAY THAT'S IT! YOU ARE SO DEAD, RAVEN! SAY GOODBYE TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING!" Reese shrieked.  
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD! I MUST LEAVE YOU NOW! FAREWELL MY LOYAL FANS! MAY PEOPLE NEVER FORGET THE NAME RAVEN AND THE FEAR IT STRUCK INTO THEIR HEARTS!" Raven called out in the most sarcastic tone imaginable. He looked at Reese smugly to see her reaction.   
Reese looked like she was going to murder him in the most painful way imaginable, and she probably would have done so if Zeke, Van, Fiona, Irvine, Moonbay, and Thomas hadn't burst into the Dark Kaiser's lair at that very moment.  
  
Yay! A long chapter! I'm also happy today cause (besides LP) I looked up my penname a couple days ago and I'm now listed! I guess I just had to wait a little while....now I feel stupid for complaining earlier but oh well. I'll probably do something stupider tomorrow! 


	5. Van & Co Crash the Party!

Guess who has Meteora.......... ^__________________________^ Get it Amrun, go get it! It's awesome!   
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Zoids, Thomas would be incinerated. Unfortunately, I don't.  
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side  
  
CHAPTER 5:Van & Co. Crash the Party!  
  
"Hey, cruel-hearted, uncaring, villainous evil-doers! How's it hangin'?" Van called out. (Thinking of Gohan! ^_^)  
Fiona popped out from behind him. "HELLO!" she called out in her usual annoyingly happy way.  
"Looks like the village idiots have arrived." Raven muttered.  
"WHAT?!?! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU MORONS DOING IN MY EVIL DOMAIN?!?!" the Dark Kaiser yelled in anger and astonishment.  
"What, are we crashing a holiday party or somethin'?" Irvine asked with a casual shrug.  
"How kind of you to take time out from your idiot's convention to come and visit us!" Dark Kaiser commented, trying to regain his composure.  
"Ain't it? We aren't interrupting yours though, are we?" Irvine asked with a smile.  
"Har har." Dark Kaiser remarked dryly.  
"Hey, you got anything to eat around here? I'm starved!" Van shouted as he rummaged through the fridge. He tossed loaf after loaf of bread out of the way with distaste. "Are you kidding me? Is this all you've got?" he asked desperately.  
"HEY! WHO SAID YOU COULD TOUCH MY FOOD?!" the Dark Kaiser yelled.  
Van rolled his eyes. "Well, I wouldn't have if I knew that all you had was a bunch of gross bread!" he said with disgust.  
"HEY, THAT'S MY MOTHER YOU'RE INSULTING YOU LITTLE DISRESPECTFUL CRETIN!" the Dark Kaiser cried.  
Moonbay waved her hand casually. "Hey, cool it old-timer! We just came over to spread a little holiday cheer, man! Is dat, like, cool with ya'll?" she asked.  
  
**WARNING: If you are a fan of Thomas, you should just click back right now, because I guarantee that you WILL NOT like my portrayal of him. You have been warned.**  
  
"Like, totally! What is like, *up* with you dawgs?!" Thomas shrieked.  
"I don't remember asking you morons to come throw a stupid holiday party over here!" the Dark Kaiser scoffed.  
"Well, yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh! We're like, doing random acts of kindness, and some junk!" Thomas replied in a peppy voice.  
"Yeah, well you better get the heck outta here before I obliterate you!" Reese snapped as she finally released her death hold on Raven. Raven laughed at her threat. "Yeah sure Reese! Like you obliterated me, right?" he asked.  
"Don't be such a like, jerk, ya know? You're majorly like, destroying the moment!" Thomas told Reese.  
Reese sighed in annoyance. "Let me put it in language you'll understand: Get out of my like, home pad before I totally, like, go mental, girlfriend!"   
"Girl, you like, need a serious latte break, ya know?" Thomas advised.  
"And you need like, a serious brain surgery, ya know?" Reese spat sarcastically.  
"So Van," Raven smirked. "Have you come all this way just to be killed?"  
"Oh come on Raven, let it go! It's Christmas! Can't we just enjoy it? Ya know, peace..... love....... gingerbread?" Van asked.  
"Are you kidding me?" Raven scowled. "I don't believe in peace, love, or *gingerbread*, you moron! Get in your zoid now!"  
"Forget it Raven! Hey, who wants to play Christmas Bingo?!" Van shouted.  
"Me, I do!" Fiona yelled.   
"Oooooo, me, me, pick me!!!" Hiltz yelled excitedly.  
"I can't believe this. I'm surrounded. I'm completely surrounded by MORONS! Am I the only sane person here?" Raven yelled as he pulled a picture of Van out of his pocket. "I hate you, you stupid inferior zoid pilot! I HATE YOU, YA HEAR ME?!" he shouted as he ripped the picture into a million pieces.   
"Well, I wouldn't exactly say sane." Reese muttered as she watched him tear up the picture. Raven threw the pieces into the air and turned to look at her. "Look Reese! It's snowing!" Raven laughed wildly as the pieces fell to the ground around him. (Raven's losing it! Well, technically he never had it in the first place. ^_^)  
"Well, DUH! Of course it's snowing! We're at the North Pole!" Hiltz rolled his eyes as though that fact was painfully obvious. He looked down at the table where he was sitting with Van and Fiona. "I GOT BINGO! KING ME, KING ME!" he screamed excitedly.  
Reese surveyed the scene around her. Irvine and Moonbay were sitting in a corner drinking coffee, and Dark Kaiser was hanging out in his orb. Van, Fiona, and Hiltz were playing Christmas Bingo, and the organoids were arguing about who was the coolest. Thomas was busy with the latest issue of Seventeen, and Raven was still watching the pieces of paper swirl around him with a twisted smile on his face.  
"In the name of Zi," Reese muttered. "This can't possibly get any worse." Or at least that's what she thought. Suddenly the ground shook under her feet and almost threw her off balance. "WHAT THE-" Reese shrieked. She looked around her to see if anyone else had noticed, and the rumbling grew louder. "Uh...guys?" Reese asked. "Guys? HEY YOU GUYS!!" she screamed as the rumbling grew to a deafening roar. Suddenly a huge mass of people burst through a wall of the Dark Kaiser's lair.  
  
So, is Thomas a pearly pink or a fire engine red? ^_^ Any fans of Thomas out there, don't kill me! I mean, he's just so easy to make fun of! And you *were* forewarned. Anyways, sorry, that was a really short chapter. But the next chapter is really long and it'll be up soon, I promise! As Thomas would say(well *my* Thomas, anyway): "Like, peace out home dawgs!" 


	6. The Dreaded Fan Riot

Yay, it's my birthday! ^________^ And I'm posting a chapter just for you guys! I've decided to start double spacing my paragraphs, just to let you know. Sorry you didn't think Thomas was insane enough, Maelgwyn. I'll try to make him more psychotic in later chapters. And thanks soooo much for the cookies, BBLX! Ha ha, you didn't tell me that I had to share *these*..... but I will anyway cause I'm *so* nice! Here, to all my reviewers! Have some cookies! And now, here's a box of chocolate chip cookies for *you*, BBLX! So be nice and share them with Nikita and Naomi! Heh heh, don't you just love me? ^__________^   
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. And yet somehow, I manage to go on living. Can't say I've maintained my sanity, but I am still living.  
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side  
  
CHAPTER 6:The Dreaded Fan Riot  
  
"RAVEN! RAVEN! RAVEN! RAVEN!" the majority of the people (most of them being fangirls) screamed as they raced towards the dark-haired warrior. (Oh yeah, I'm somewhere in that group!! ^_^)  
  
"HEY, A FAN RIOT! CALM DOWN PEOPLE, YOUR HERO'S COMING!" Van shouted as he pushed through the crowd. He nearly got run over as a bunch of people dressed entirely in blue bolted over to Reese. Van had just dodged them when suddenly he found himself trapped in the middle of several people running over to Hiltz in red clown wigs. He disentangled himself from the mob and stood in the middle of the lair. He soon realized that he was all alone.  
  
"Hey, uh, any Flyheight fans out there?" he called out. His voice was drowned out by Thomas pumping his fist and screaming "GIRL POWER!!!" to the handful of fans that surrounded him. Van looked around him. There had to be someone around here that liked him. "Uh, Fiona?" Van asked. He turned to see her shouting out to her fans.   
  
"WHAT DO WE WANT IN OUR COFFEE?!" Fiona screamed.  
  
"SALT!!!!" her fans screamed back deafeningly.   
  
"Gross." Van muttered as he continued looking around. Irvine and his fans were busy counting money and Moonbay was leading her fans in a song. "I AM THE TRANSPORTER OF THE WASTELAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD.....I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" she screamed. The fans rose their voices and the Dark Kaiser's orb started cracking.   
  
"HEY, WATCH THE MERCHANDISE!" Dark Kaiser yelled. His fans stood outside the orb and pushed papers into a tiny slot. The papers that came out of the slot next to it were imprinted with the Dark Kaiser's official seal. (Lazy as crap Dark Kaiser!) Next to that the organoids were sitting at a table signing autographs for a very large group of fans. "Hey, Zeke buddy, how's it going?" Van asked.  
  
Zeke looked up in annoyance. "Van, do you mind? I'm kinda busy here. My fans are waiting!" With that he turned back to the huge group of people that surrounded him and continued his work.  
  
"Man, the guy gets a couple of fans and all of a sudden he's a bigshot!" Van muttered bitterly. He turned to look on the other side of the organoids. Hiltz and all of his fans were sitting in children's school desks scribbling on pieces of paper. Suddenly, at the exact same time, they all looked up at Van.   
  
"How do you spell 'Santa'?" Hiltz and his fans asked in unison. Van fell anime-style. "Creepy," he whispered under his breath as he got up and looked over at Reese and her fans. The side of the lair that they were on had been painted entirely blue, and a huge sign hung over it. The sign read BLUE ZONE: IT'S BLUE WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.   
  
"Could they stand a little color variation?" Van asked himself softly. Unfortunately for him, it hadn't been softly enough. Reese and her fans turned to glare at him menacingly.   
  
"TREASON!" Reese screeched. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT OUR CULTURE?! BY THE POWER OF THE BLUE, YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED!"   
  
"Forever blue." Reese's fans chanted together.  
  
"YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!" Van yelled without thinking. Reese gritted her teeth. "MEMBERS OF THE NOBLE BLUE, I COMMAND YOU TO BRING THIS COLORBLIND TRAITOR TO JUSTICE!" she screamed. Her fans lifted up a huge blue paint gun and shot a giant blue paint ball at Van. It hit him at full force and scattered blue paint all over him and the surrounding area.  
  
"VICTORY! THIS VILLIAN HAS BEEN REBORN!" Reese shrieked triumphantly. "Now who's up for some blue sponge cake?" Her fans screamed in agreement as they retreated into the Blue Zone.  
  
"They are definitely mental." Van muttered angrily as he tried to get the blue paint out of his hair. "I'm sure they'll make great serial killers one day."  
  
As he worked on making himself blue-free, he looked over at the farthest corner of the Dark Kaiser's domain. Raven was surrounded by a huge group of fans who were cheering for no apparent reason. He was standing on a high rock blocked by security guards dressed entirely in black and holding sharp machetes to keep the fan girls back.   
  
"Wonder what's going down over here?" Van thought to himself as he walked over to get a closer look.  
  
"MAY THE FORCES OF EVIL PREVAIL!" Raven shouted. A huge cheer went up through the masses. "ARE YOU ALL WEARING YOUR OFFICIAL RAVEN FAN CLUB T-SHIRTS?!" Everyone turned their backs to Raven to show him their shirts. The fan T-shirts were black. On the front was the red symbol on Raven's cheek, and on the back was a huge picture of Van's face with a gigantic red X through it. "LET'S HEAR THE OFFICIAL CLUB CHANT!" Raven yelled. He then went on to lead them in the chant.  
  
"HATE ZOIDS, KILL FLYHEIGHT! HATE ZOIDS, KILL FLYHEIGHT! HATE ZOIDS, KILL FLYHEIGHT!" the masses screamed over and over again.  
  
"Hey!" Van frowned. "Are you guys talking about me?" He looked at the people around him. "Hey, is that my face that has the big X over it?!" he asked as he looked at their shirts and at the huge banner that the security guards had hung over Raven. "Do you guys not like me or something?" he continued.  
  
"HEY!" Raven suddenly shouted. The masses ceased their chanting and looked up at him questioningly. He pointed a finger out into the crowd. "LOOK! THE ENEMY IS AMONG US AND YOU'RE JUST LETTING HIM STAND THERE LIKE HE DESERVES TO LIVE!" The masses all turned to where he was pointing and saw Van.  
  
"Uh, hate zoids, kill Flyheight?" Van said nervously as all the people glared at him.   
  
"WELL?! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! REMOVE THIS INFERIOR BEING FROM MY SIGHT AT ONCE OR YOU'RE ALL GETTING KICKED OUT OF MY FAN CLUB!" Raven yelled.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!!" came the war cry from the masses, all of them horrified at the thought of being kicked out of the warrior's fan club. They charged towards Van with charged particle guns, hand grenades, strong black ropes, and some heavy-duty duct tape, supplied by the Empire.   
  
Van started backing away, but he was quickly surrounded on all sides. The people began closing in on him. "NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER! I'M WARNING YOU!" Van screamed frantically. "ZEEEEEEKKKKKKKEEEEEEEE!" he shouted as he was completely smothered by the masses. There was a huge cloud of smoke as the masses put their supplies to good use and Van yelled in agony. When they were finished blowing him to smithereens, they hung him from a stalactite and returned to Raven.  
  
"YOU HAVE DONE WELL, MY LOYAL FANS! I PRAISE YOU FOR YOUR COMMENDABLE DEEDS! BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION, MAY THE EVIL IN OUR HEARTS BE PERPETUATED!" Raven shouted. The ignorant masses didn't really understand what he meant, being too stupid to understand the words of a genius, but they cheered anyway.   
  
"BROTHER! HE CALLED ME BROTHER!" a guy in the crowd shouted wildly. He tried to run up to Raven's rock, but the security guards held him back with their machetes.   
  
One particularly rabid fan girl, noticing that the security guards were occupied, took advantage of the opportunity and ran up to Raven. "AHHHHH! THIS IS LIKE, TOO PERFECT! WOW, RAVEN, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I-" the girl shrieked at an ear-shattering volume. Realizing that his security guards were currently busy with another problem, Raven ripped a stalactite out of the ceiling and smashed the girl with it with all his strength. She went flying back over the masses and smashed into the opposite wall.  
  
She lay still for a moment and then looked up at everyone. Bright colors shone around her face. "RAVEN HIT ME WITH A STALACTITE!!!" she screamed, giving them all a thumbs-up and smiling widely. The masses fell anime-style.  
  
Look guys, I don't hate Van. I just wanted there to be someone without any fans, and Thomas needs his for later chapters. So don't kill me! And I admit it, I lied. This chapter wasn't *really* long, but it was longer than the last one. And I'll try to have the next one up soon. So in the meantime, give me a birthday present and review my story! Thanks guys, see ya later! Enjoy those cookies, BBLX! ^_^ 


	7. World War Blue

Okay, I'm not gonna sit here and bore you with excuses about why I haven't updated in so long. Let's just say I'm lazy. I'm working on it, really I am! Anyways, I'm really, REALLY sorry it's been so long and I'll try not to let it happen again! Oh, and Amrun.......THANK YOU! (hugs Linkin Park rock and grins) Thanks a lots! ^____________^ Here's some cookies for you and if you want anything else to happen to Van just let me know.....(wink, evil smile)  
  
Disclaimer: Must I repeat myself again? I don't own Zoids! And I don't own the songs that Reese's and Fiona's fans sing. They belong to their creators, not to a psycho like me.  
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side  
  
CHAPTER 7:World War Blue  
  
  
  
They all turned back to Raven once again. The frantic guy was still trying desperately to get past the guards, and they couldn't hold him off much longer. Raven pulled out a little black box that had a big red button on it and held it up in the air, showing it to the masses. "OOOOOOOO, AHHHHHHHH!" the masses chanted as he displayed it. Then he pressed the giant red button(huge letters reading BOOM! flash across the screen in one of those cool spikey bubbles like you always see in comics). There was a huge explosion and a giant cloud of smoke. When it cleared, the place where the guy had been standing was now reduced to a pile of smoldering ash. The masses cheered wildly.  
  
  
  
"LET THIS BE AN EXAMPLE TO ALL THOSE WHO TRY TO GET PAST MY GUARDS!" Raven shouted.  
  
  
  
"Hey, uh, why didn't you just use that button on Flyheight?" one guy in the crowd called out. "YEAHHHH!" the rest of the ignorant masses agreed.  
  
  
  
"BECAUSE IT WAS MORE AMUSING TO WATCH ALL OF YOU COMPLETELY TORCH HIM TO DEATH AND HANG HIM FROM THE CEILING! ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY DECISIONS?!" Raven thundered.  
  
  
  
"YEAHHHH!" the ignorant masses shouted, turning to glare at the guy who had called out.   
  
  
  
"No, I just thought....um..." the guy struggled to defend himself.  
  
  
  
"YOU JUST THOUGHT, EH?! WELL, YOU JUST SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE WHO TRY TO BRING DOWN MY GUARDS, AND NOW HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO DEFY MY AUTHORITY!" Raven yelled. He pulled a lever that was next to him and immediately the person who had dared to question him was jettisoned out of the lair. "I'M SORRRRRRYYYYY!" he screamed as he smashed through the ceiling and into a helicopter that was flying overhead. Raven smiled and laughed, hearing a splash as the guy fell into the Pacific Ocean and was devoured by sharks.  
  
  
  
"You are like, soooooo cruel and unusual! What's with all this violence? Whatever happened to like, peace-loving people, and some junk?" Thomas screeched. His fans screamed in agreement.  
  
  
  
"Hippies went out with the dinosaurs, you insufferable moron!" Raven shouted. The masses cheered once again for no reason.  
  
  
  
"Actually, the hippie fashion is making a comeback! Like, don't you read Vogue? You are one fashion-deprived dude, ya know?" Thomas scoffed.  
  
  
  
"AND YOU ARE ONE SERIOUSLY DELUDED IMBECILE!" Raven yelled back.  
  
  
  
"LIKE, HOW DARE YOU, AND SOME JUNK?! I'M LIKE, A WAY FASHIONABLE SUPER CHICK, GIRLFRIEND!" Thomas shrieked.   
  
  
  
"With that hair? Ha, right!" Raven smirked.  
  
  
  
"HEY, YOU WANNA LIKE, TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, YO?!" Thomas screamed. (Well it seems like they're gonna be at it for a while, so let's go see what's happening with other fans!)  
  
  
  
Fiona had ceased her salt chants and was now leading her fans in song. Unfortunately for her, Reese and her fans had a bit of a problem with what Fiona was singing.   
  
  
  
"COME ON! SING IT!" Fiona commanded.   
  
  
  
"THINK PINK! CAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A SHOOTING STAR! THINK PINK! JUST BEING WHO YOU ARE! THINK PINK! YOU'LL BE GOING VERY FAR! THINK PINK! LISTEN TO ME, GIRL! THINK PINK!" her fans sang shrilly.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Reese had realized what was going on and had set out to combat Fiona and her evil pink ways. She led her fans out of the Blue Zone and they stood together under the huge banner. "ALL RIGHT, LET'S SHOW THESE DELUSIONAL MORONS WHAT THE REAL COLOR OF THE WORLD IS!" she screamed.  
  
  
  
"I'M BLUE DA BA DEE DA BA DYE, DA BA DEE DA BA DYE!" Reese's fans sang as loudly as possible. Their protesting song was heard by Fiona, who immediately stopped singing and turned to glare at them venomously. "LOUDER!" she shrieked, turning back to her fans.   
  
  
  
"THINK PINK! THINK PINK!" the fans screamed twice as loud as before.  
  
  
  
"Darn she's good." Reese muttered. "But not good enough. COME ON, LET'S SHOW THESE FREAKS!" she shouted at her fans.   
  
  
  
"I'M BLUE DA BA DEE DA BA DYE, DA BA DEE DA BA DYE!" they shrieked, drowning out Fiona's fans.  
  
  
  
"LOUDER!" Fiona screamed.  
  
  
  
"COME ON! MORE OBNOXIOUS! MORE DEAFENING!" Reese screeched.  
  
  
  
"SING IT! DROWN THEM OUT! SCREAM LOUDER!" Fiona ordered.  
  
  
  
"DON'T LET THEM BEAT YOU! MORE FEELING! MORE SPIRIT!" Reese commanded.   
  
  
  
All this time, the fans of both Fiona and Reese had been pushing themselves to the limits, each of them trying to sing their signature song louder than the other. Finally they couldn't take it anymore, and they all collapsed.  
  
  
  
"OH YEAH! YOUR FANS FELL A MILLISECOND BEFORE MINE DID! I WIN!" Fiona cried victoriously.  
  
  
  
"HA! IN YOUR DREAMS, PINKY! MY FANS HELD OUT LONGER THAN YOURS DID AND YOU KNOW IT!" Reese screamed back.  
  
  
  
"NO THEY DIDN'T!"  
  
  
  
"YES THEY DID!"  
  
  
  
"NO!"  
  
  
  
"YES!"  
  
  
  
"NO!"  
  
  
  
"YES!"  
  
  
  
Suddenly Fiona's fans began to rise to their feet in exhaustion. "HA! MY FANS ARE GETTING UP AND YOURS ARE STILL DOWN FOR THE COUNT! MY FORCES ARE OBVIOUSLY MUCH STRONGER!" Fiona screeched.  
  
  
  
"NO WAY! MINE ARE STILL DOWN BECAUSE THEY HELD OUT LONGER THAN YOURS AND THEY NEED MORE REST!" Reese countered.  
  
  
  
"AS IF, YOU LITTLE BLUE WITCH!" Fiona screamed.  
  
  
  
"AUGH! HOW DARE YOU, YOU PINK-SKIRTED SCHOOLGIRL!" Reese shrieked. "LAUNCH THE ATTACK!" she cried to her fans who had also finally risen. They held up another giant blue paint gun. "IF YOU CAN'T ADMIT THAT I WON, THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LOYALTY! BY CHANGING YOUR COLORS!" Reese laughed insanely. Her fans shot the paint gun. It was a direct hit on Fiona, who slumped to the ground with a strangled cry.  
  
  
  
Fiona's fans screamed as they watched their leader fall to the dirt. They immediately ran over and dumped a bucket of pink paint on her, covering up every drop of blue. Slowly, Fiona opened her eyes and sat up. "Loyal fans! You saved me! Thanks to your valiant efforts I have been reborn in the color that I and all the world was meant to be! Because of my rebirth, we can rebel and continue the attack!" she screamed. All of her fans were armed with separate pink paint guns and were lined up, ready to rebel against Reese's fans. On the other side, Reese's fans stood with blue paint guns, facing Fiona's fans. Both groups of fans waited for their master's signal.  
  
  
  
"ATTACK!" Fiona and Reese shrieked. At the sound of their cry, a huge battle began between the blue and the pink.  
  
The tension rises! The fans will probably be around for the next chapter, but then after that I'm getting rid of them. If anybody has any requests for future chapters, go ahead and email me at KT_07@hotmail.com. Anyways, once again, really sorry I took so long with this chapter and please review! Thanks guys! 


	8. Let the Good Times Roll

I'm sorry about this update taking almost a month. I can say however, that it was NOT entirely my fault! I just got back after being away for a week and a half, and before that I couldn't post because my stupid computer wouldn't get online. Then I tried posting from a different computer and the formatting was completely screwed, and I couldn't figure out how to make it work. So there. It's a long story made short. Anyways, I apologize for the wait and I already have the chapter after this one ready, so it shouldn't take very long for the next update. Surprisingly, I have no witty or demented commentary at the moment, so let's get on with the lunacy, shall we?  
  
Disclaimer: For the bizillionth time, I don't own Zoids. I do, however, take pride in owning the crowd of idiots know as the ignorant masses. Sadly, these imbeciles are all I have.   
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side   
  
Chapter 8: Let the Good Times Roll  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the midst of World War Blue, Raven was also preparing his troops for an assault against Thomas. "ATEN-SHUN!" Raven yelled. The masses turned to face him and clicked their black sniping rifles in synchronism. (You know, like they do in the army! Come on people, you know what I mean! Work with me here!) Raven looked over his fans to make sure that they were ready.   
  
  
  
Raven rubbed his hands together and smirked. "Yes, yes. Everything goes according to plan, see?" The masses nodded and started talking amongst themselves. "HEY!" Raven snapped. "NO TALKING! NO MOVING! NO BLINKING! NO BREATHING!" The masses immediately shut up and stood deathly still.   
  
  
  
"That's better." Raven smirked triumphantly. It was time. "HEY, THOMAS! OVER HERE 'GIRLFRIEND'!"  
  
  
  
Thomas was sitting surrounded by the rest of his fans applying his second coat of lipstick. "Yeah? What's chillin' girl?" Thomas replied as he turned to face Raven. As he was turning his head, however, he forgot he was still holding his lipstick and it smeared across his cheek.   
  
  
  
OoO "HUH!" his fans gasped in horror and started screaming.  
  
  
  
"ACK! MIRROR!" Thomas shrieked. He continued screeching until one of his fans ran up to him and handed him a glittery purple pocket mirror. Thomas struggled to calm himself down.  
  
  
  
"Like, breathe in, like breathe out. Like, breathe in, like breathe out." Thomas chanted as he assessed the damage. "Chill out, chicks. I think it's going to be okay."   
  
  
  
"Ohmigosh, Thomas are you sure? That was like, a highly traumatizing experience!" one of his fans gasped with a worried expression.  
  
  
  
Thomas sighed as he studied himself in the mirror. "I like, totally agree with you, home slice. This could take some work, but I think we can like, get through it with a little team spirit!"  
  
  
  
"Wow Thomas, you are like SOOOOOOOOO brave!" his fan shrieked.  
  
  
  
"Trust me girl, it's like, totally not as easy as I make it look!" Thomas assured.  
  
  
  
Raven was getting impatient as he stood watching the scene. "All right troops, when I give the signal, we strike! Five......four......."  
  
  
  
"Okay.....there! Like, yea! I did it!" Thomas screamed happily as he finished washing off his face. "Now, who wants some, like, makeover tips and some junk?"  
  
  
  
"We do!!!!!!" his fans screeched in incredibly high-pitched voices.  
  
  
  
"Three......two......o-" Raven was just about to finish when he was interrupted by a loud beeping noise. "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT LOUD BEEPING NOISE?!" he yelled irritably.  
  
  
  
"HEY GUYS! DRAGONBALL Z IS ON!" one of the fans shouted as he looked at his watch. "COME ON, LET'S BLOW THIS POPSTAND!"   
  
  
  
"YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!" all the fans in the Dark Kaiser's lair screamed as they left their idols and ran through the wall once again, creating a new hole.   
  
  
  
"WAIT A SECOND!" Raven yelled loudly. Surprisingly enough, everyone stopped and looked at him. "JUST WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!"  
  
  
  
"Well, DragonBall Z is on now, man. We're gonna go watch." one of the fans explained.  
  
  
  
"OH, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BARGE IN AND THEN LEAVE WHENEVER YOU PLEASE?!" Raven screamed in annoyance.  
  
  
  
"Do you mind? We're gonna be late." the ignorant fan responded as he headed for the exit.  
  
  
  
"LATE?! FOR WHAT?!" Raven shouted.  
  
  
  
"For our fan club meetings, of course! What, you think we're gonna spend all our time on Zoids? We're ignorant masses! We go wherever we wish!" the fan replied. Raven noticed that all of his fans had removed their club T-shirts and were now dressed in Vegeta-like Saiyan armor.   
  
  
  
"YOU CALL YOURSELVES TRUE FANS?! WHERE'S YOUR DEDICATION?! YOU'RE ALL OUTTA MY FAN CLUB, YOU LOUSY NO-GOOD POSERS!" Raven screamed as they all ran for the hole. As they were running, one of the guys tripped and fell on his face right in front of Reese, who started laughing. He got to his feet and was about to say something when he noticed the sticker on her shirt that read: "Hi, I'm Reese, very nice to blue you all!"  
  
  
  
O_O The guy's eyes widened in shock. "Are you the girl?" he asked in awe.  
  
  
  
Reese looked extremely confused. "What girl?"  
  
  
  
"OH MY KAMI, IT IS YOU! HEY GUYS, IT'S HER! IT'S THE REESES GIRL!" the guy screamed frantically.  
  
  
  
"Uh, please....don't......do that...." Reese tried to say but it was too late. A ton of people(mostly guys) had come running over to her.  
  
  
  
"LOOK GUYS, IT'S REALLY HER! THE ACTUAL GIRL WHO HAD THE REESES CANDY NAMED AFTER HER!" the guy shouted and everyone cheered as they pushed and shoved to get a better view of Reese.  
  
  
  
"Actually the "e" is....silent....." Reese tried to make herself heard above the chaos.   
  
  
  
"So, what is it like to actually be "the Reeses girl"?" a fan yelled, shoving a toy microphone in Reese's face.   
  
  
  
"I'M *NOT* THE REESES GIRL, YOU CRACKHEADS!" Reese screamed in frustration.  
  
  
  
"And modest, too!" the fan smiled.  
  
  
  
"Hey, uh, "Reeses girl"! How 'bout this Friday night?" one of the guys called out.  
  
  
  
"Back off man, I saw her first!" the guy who had started the whole thing shouted angrily. "She's mine!"  
  
  
  
"Come on dude, you only want her for the money! She should go out with me!" another guy yelled.  
  
  
  
"Of *course* I only want her money! What else is she good for?!" the second guy responded.  
  
  
  
Reese was listening back and forth to the conversation and it was only making her more infuriated. "ERRRRRRR, I'M NOT THE REESES GIRL! THE "E" IS SILENT! GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME!" she shrieked but nobody paid any attention to her. The guys kept fighting over her and the one fan kept trying to get her to talk into the microphone while everyone else snapped pictures.   
  
  
  
"So "Reeses girl" are you aware that your fame has spread around the world? Exactly how rich are you?" the fan with the mike shouted.  
  
  
  
"I'M NOT THE REESES GIRL FOR THE THIRD TIME AND-" Reese screamed but then lowered her voice down to a whisper. "I'm not rich." she muttered under her breath. Suddenly everything stopped and became deathly quiet.  
  
  
  
"WHAT?!?! NOT RICH?!?! I'M SO OUTTA HERE!" screamed the guy who had started it all.   
  
  
  
"YEAH, ME TOO! THE REESES GIRL WITH NO MONEY?! WHAT A CHEAP SCAM!" the other guy shouted.  
  
  
  
"Man, can you believe that? Leading us on like she was actually somebody important and wealthy! What a jerk!" a third guy commented, shaking his head as they all left the Dark Kaiser's lair.  
  
  
  
"Good thing *I* didn't fall for it!" replied the guy with the toy microphone. "I knew the whole time that she wasn't rich!"  
  
  
  
"SHALLOW MORONS! GOOD RIDDANCE, YA SIMPLETONS!" Reese screamed angrily as the last of the fans finally left.  
  
  
  
"Like, later chicks! We'll have to get together and swap beauty tips sometime!" Thomas shrieked as he waved wildly at his few departing fans.  
  
  
  
"LOOK! THEY'RE TAKING IRVINE AND MOONBAY WITH THEM!" Fiona screamed suddenly, pointing at the fans.   
  
  
  
"Hey, why are we taking these freaks with us again?" one of the people called out.   
  
  
  
Another person rolled her eyes. "Ever hear of a ritual killing? They're a sacrifice!"  
  
  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhh." the first person nodded. "For who?"  
  
  
  
"Uh.....gee, I dunno. Just for the heck of it, I guess!" the girl answered.  
  
  
  
"Oh......COOL!" the fan screamed. Irvine and Moonbay turned to look at their friends in fear and suddenly they exploded.  
  
  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Fiona screamed in agony as she looked at the pile of smoldering ash that was once her friends.  
  
  
  
"HEY, NEATO! THEY ALL WENT KABOOM!" Hiltz yelled.  
  
  
  
"Like, EWWWWWW! That was so totally nasty!" Thomas shrieked in disgust. Then he saw that Fiona was crying and he walked over to her. "Like, don't sweat the small stuff, girlfriend! Sure, your friends just blowed up and died and stuff but look at it this way: they had *awful* fashion sense!"  
  
  
  
"Th-that's not it." Fiona sobbed. "I-it's....it's just that.....IRVINE OWED ME MONEY! NOW HOW AM I 'OPPOSED TO GET A PRETTY PRETTY PONY?!"  
  
  
  
Dark Kaiser's smile at watching Irvine and Moonbay explode instantly disappeared. "WHAT?!" he shouted angrily. "Darn it woman, you promised me that pony!"  
  
  
  
Raven laughed. "Imbeciles! I laugh at your pain! HA HA HA!" Then he paused. "See? Observe me laughing at you, which is to say that I am mocking you because I am laughing *at* you. I am not in any sense laughing *with* you because you are not finding this humorous and so you are not laughing, which is to say that you do not find this funny. But I just so happen to find this quite amusing, so I am laughing *at* you and ridiculing your sorrow! Watch me, watch me laugh at you!" Then he started laughing insanely again.  
  
  
  
Reese had curled up into a little ball and was rocking back and forth in a corner wildly. "That...was a highly traumatizing experience." she whimpered, scarred for life from her Reeses girl episode.  
  
  
  
Raven smirked and held a Reeses cup in front of her face. "Look *Reese*, it's a *Reeses*!" he taunted, waving it back and forth.  
  
  
  
"Stop it!" Reese shouted, burying her face in her arms.  
  
  
  
"Keep going, keep going! I wanna see how fast we can make her rock!" the Dark Kaiser encouraged.   
  
  
  
Raven smiled as he bit into the Reeses cup. "Mmmmmmm, tasty! There's no wrong way to eat a Reeses!"   
  
  
  
"Yeah, see, I *wanted* to star in that commercial but NOOOOOOOOOO! They stuck me with this idiot instead!" Shadow told Zeke, Specula and Ambient as he pointed to Raven.  
  
  
  
Raven stuck his face in Reese's and chewed loudly. "Mmmmm....yum yum yum yum yum!"  
  
  
  
"NO! TAKE IT AWAY!" Reese screamed desperately. She grabbed fistfuls of her hair and rocked twice as fast.   
  
  
  
"Yeah, go Reese, go! Faster!" Dark Kaiser yelled excitedly.   
  
  
  
"Hey wow, that looks really really fun! I wanna try, me me me!" Hiltz screamed. He got down on the floor, curled up, and started rocking too. "Look at me guys! I can do it too! Boy howdy, this is so fun that I think....I think I wanna....I wanna.... I WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT!"   
  
  
  
"AND PARTY EVERY DAY!" the organoids chimed in.  
  
  
  
"Like, Reese! I didn't think it was like, possible but you just like, started a totally kickin' fad here! Way to go, chicky baby!" Thomas shrieked as he joined Reese and Hiltz and started rocking.   
  
  
  
Fiona stood looking at everyone with her head tipped to the side and her usual look of confusion. "I don't get it. Isn't rocking back and forth a sign of insanity? Last time I started doing it Van told me to stop before the GF put me in a straight-jacket and gave me a one-way ticket to the funny farm, just like they did to him!"  
  
  
  
"Ah, the funny farm! What wonderful childhood memories those words bring back!" Hiltz sighed in content. "I always told them I'd come back one day....."  
  
  
  
"Oh, I *totally* get what you mean, girlfriend! I spent a good five years of my life there, at the funny farm. It's like, where I discovered my feminine side!" Thomas said in a peppy voice.  
  
  
  
"I wanna thank you, Reese. You brought my innermost childhood memories to the surface and frankly, I'm, well....I must say I'm touched!" Hiltz sniffed. "You know what I mean, Reese?"  
  
  
  
Reese looked up at him in annoyance. "No, actually, I don't give a crap, Hiltz. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna get back to my mental breakdown."  
  
  
  
"Hmph. You've got a lota nerve, coming between a man and his memories!" Hiltz scoffed as he continued rocking and began singing 'Rock Around the Clock'.  
  
  
  
"Golly gosh, Reese, you're such a jerk when you're in one of your psychotic moods." the Dark Kaiser commented as he flipped through Thomas' issue of Seventeen. "Hey, boy are *these* shoes ever stylin'!"  
  
  
  
"Hey, you like, totally *stole* that from me! I can't be-LIEVE you! You're so totally insensitive and some junk! Did you even, like, consider my feelings?! What if you had like, wrinkled the corners or breathed on it funny? Like, what then you big, like, jerk?! You're like, so hurtful!" Thomas shrieked as he snatched the magazine out of Dark Kaiser's hands.  
  
  
  
"All I wanted was a new pair of shoes! I was just trying to figure out which pair went better with my eyes!" Dark Kaiser shouted.   
  
  
  
"Yeah Thomas, the poor guy was just looking for some fashion tips. You're such a jerk, denying him of his one chance at pure happiness. How could you be so heartless as to torture someone like that?" Raven added sarcastically as pulled the string on a stuffed Reeses cup figure, making it dance back and forth and sing in front of Reese.  
  
  
  
"EEEEAAAT ME!" the Reeses toy yelled in a happy voice.  
  
  
  
"GET THAT ACCURSED TOY AWAY FROM ME!" Reese screamed, her eyes widening in fear.   
  
  
  
"Well, dawg, if you wanted to do makeovers *so badly* all you had to do was like, ask!" Thomas defended himself, holding the magazine to his chest protectively.  
  
  
  
"But you would have said no! I had to do something! I was desperate!" the Dark Kaiser cried.   
  
  
  
"Of *course* I would have said no, girl! Chicks are very possessive, you know!" Thomas rolled his eyes as if everyone should know that.  
  
  
  
"Please stop fighting. I don't like confrontation. It scares the dickens outta me!" Fiona cried.  
  
  
  
"Dickens......chickens.......dickens......." Hiltz mused to himself. Suddenly a lightbulb appeared above his head and he looked up. "Ooooooo, pretty! Look at it shine!" Hiltz drooled. Then he remembered the great discovery he just *had* to share with everyone before he forgot.....again. "Hey, WOW! Guess what I just figured out, guys?! Do ya wanna know, do ya do ya do ya?!?!" he shouted and everyone turned to look at him. He paused for a minute to build up the drama until he couldn't hold his exciting news anymore. "DICKENS.....RHYMES WITH CHICKENS!!!!!!!" Hiltz screamed. "ISN'T THAT JUST, THE GREATEST THING *EVER*?!?!?!"   
  
  
  
Everyone fell anime-style. "Congratulations Hiltz! How long did it take you to figure *that* one out?" Raven snapped.  
  
  
  
"Hmmm....hey, it was only about 20 minutes this time! Hurray for Hiltz!" Hiltz screamed.  
  
  
  
"Good for you Hiltz, you're officially an imbecile!" Raven told him.   
  
  
  
OoO "I AM?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! BOY HOWDY, THIS IS SUCH AN HONOR!" Hiltz cried proudly. "I'LL DO MY BEST TO UPHOLD THIS POSITION AND NOT FAIL YOU!"   
  
  
  
"Oh, I *know* you won't fail us, Hiltz. You're just too good at this!" Raven replied.  
  
  
  
"YAY, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE GOD-FORSAKEN LIFE! VICTORY DANCE!!" Hiltz shrieked and he started dancing insanely around Dark Kaiser's lair.  
  
Yay, my longest chapter so far! There goes the dimwitted fans. Now I own nothing in this story. -_- I got rid of Irvine and Moonbay because it didn't seem like they had a point in the story. For those of you who like them, I'll probably end up bringing them back later. Just because they exploded doesn't mean they're gone forever, not in this fic! And for those who actually care, Van didn't say a word this entire chapter because he's still unconscious, hanging from the ceiling. I might decide to bring him back sometime if I need someone to torture. ^_^ Well, that's enough of my rambling. A million thanks and a bizillion cookies to everyone for being so patient with me and my insanity! ^_________^ 


	9. That's What It's All About

After a million years, I have returned from infinite nothingness with the unbelievably long and incredibly demented Chapter 9! Aren't ya excited?!  
  
Disclaimer: Okay, I admit it. It's not mine. It belongs to......THEM.  
  
Chillin' On the Dark Side  
  
Chapter 9: That's What It's All About  
  
"That is so disturbing." Raven commented as he watched Hiltz dance wildly.  
  
  
  
"La CucuraCHA, La CucuraCHA! CHACHACHACHACHACHACHA, OLE!" Hiltz jumped in the air, tapped his ankles together, and promptly fell down, smashing his face into the floor, while Raven laughed hysterically.   
  
"Once again, I feel it necessary to point out that I am laughing AT you, Hiltz. That is to say that-" Raven began, but was cut off suddenly by Thomas.  
  
"Oh like, WOW, I like soooooo totally *love* to dance and stuff!" Thomas screamed joyfully, skipping over to Hiltz.  
  
"Put your south foot in, put your east elbow out, put your northwestern head in and shake it all about! Do the Hokey Pokey and ya turn yourself arounds, that's what it's all about! Yeah yeah yeah, I says that's what it's all about!" Hiltz shrieked as he jumped up and down frantically.  
  
"Those aren't the right words, stupid! And you can't have a northwestern head, either!" Specula yelled.  
  
"Yeah!" Zeke added. "You can only have a northsouthern one!"  
  
"That doesn't even make sense! 'Northsouthern' is an oxymoron!" Specula told Zeke, shaking her head in annoyance.  
  
"Errrrr, don't call me a moron!" Zeke shouted angrily, growling at Specula. "Just because Van's a total imbecile doesn't mean I'm stupid, too! You- you totally shouldn't judge a muffin by its shoe size!"  
  
Specula's face contorted into a look of absolute confusion. "WHAT?!" she screamed. "MUFFINS DON'T EVEN WEAR SHOES! SEE, *NOW* YOU'RE A MORON!"  
  
"Yeah, for sure, Zeke. Whad'ya thinkin?" Ambient shook his head. Then his face brightened. "Only cupcakes wear shoes!"   
  
Specula looked at the two organoids blankly, completely unable to believe their stupidity. Then she began smashing her head against the wall. "Why me? Why always me? I just don't get it!" she spoke over and over again.  
  
"Hey man, I don't want any dents on that wall, ya hear? I'm arranging to have it painted for spring and I don't wanna pay for any damages!" Dark Kaiser shouted.  
  
Shadow shook his head at the blue organoid. "That's right, Specula. Just keep bashing your head against the wall just like your master does. That'll sure solve all your problems." he commented sarcastically.  
  
"That's right, Shadow. Just keep being a jerk like your master is." Specula muttered. She turned to face him. "Look, I'm doing the best I can, okay?!" she cried before going back to the wall.  
  
"For peanut's sake, Specula, why can't you just accept our differences? You acknowledge your master's mental difficulties, why can't you understand ours?" Ambient yelled at her.   
  
"Yeah, Specula! You seriously gotta step outside the box and smell the Mr. Clean, man. Reese isn't the only one with problems, ya know!" Zeke told her in a huff.  
  
"So then she said, buy me a sandwich and I was all like, no way man I'm not spending perfectly good Laundromat nickels on you and so she was all like that's so typical of you, you stupid tractor face!" Dark Kaiser stopped to blow his nose. "Can you believe she called me that?" he sniffed.  
  
"Oh my word, that's terrible! Some people just don't know when they've gone too far, boy turkey, I'll tell you that!" Fiona cried, giving the Dark Kaiser a sympathetic look.   
  
Shadow looked over at Dark Kaiser and Fiona, then back at Specula. "Yeah, she definitely isn't. I'd say more than half the people around here aren't sane."  
  
Ambient eyed Shadow suspiciously. "Are you trying to say there's something wrong with us, Shadow?"   
  
"You just said yourself that you're messed up, Ambient! Don't put taxis in my mouth!" Shadow shot back angrily.  
  
"Ohhhh, I'll put all the taxis I darn well please in your trap! And the little squeaky horns, too!" Ambient shouted.  
  
Shadow looked stunned and insulted as he responded. "Oh, you went *way* too far with that one, amigo!"  
  
"I DON'T SPEAK DUTCH, STUPID! DARN IT SHADOW, QUIT TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ALL OF US!" Ambient yelled furiously.  
  
"Yeah, Shadow! We can't all be big dumb chipmunks in dresses, now can we?!" Zeke cried out. Ambient and Shadow suddenly stopped shouting and gave him very strange looks.   
  
"What do chipmunks have to do with anything, Zeke?! You're so stupid, I bet if a teacup tried to swim on you, he'd trip and fall!" Ambient screamed.   
  
"And chipmunks don't wear dresses!" Shadow added. He paused for a second and then smiled widely at no one in particular. "They wear suspenders and soccer cleats!"  
  
"Oh yeah, well......takes one to know one, you lunatics!" Zeke scoffed, turning his back to Shadow and Ambient.   
  
"Would you three shut up?! You've only been going on about taxis and chipmunks for like 13,000 leap years! How am I supposed to have a psychological breakdown when a bunch of mentally challenged idiots keep interrupting my confusion?! I can't concentrate on losing my mind with you morons around!" Reese shrieked from her corner, which she absolutely refused to leave.   
  
"Okay, okay! Don't have a goat, Reese!" Ambient shouted. He turned and whispered to Zeke and Shadow. "Boy, is she ever testy when she's hyperventilating!"   
  
"Tell me about it," Specula muttered, still pounding her head on the rock wall. "You should see her on St. Patrick's Day!"  
  
"Uhhhhhh, what about St. Patrick's Day?" Zeke asked slowly, not sure if he really wanted to hear the answer.  
  
"She's deathly afraid of shamrocks. Don't ask." Specula mumbled. "Might have something to do with her fear of steak seasoning."   
  
"Duhhhhhhh........." Zeke, Ambient, and Shadow looked at each other in confusion and fear, and simultaneously took a very large step back from Reese's corner.  
  
"Like, wow and some junk! This is like, *totally* the greatest form of self-expression!" Thomas shrieked, copying Hiltz's earlier movements. "Like, yaHOOOOO!!!" he screamed.  
  
  
  
"Oh my cheeseburger, is that man all right?" Fiona asked worriedly as she watched Thomas. "He seems to be having a seizure!"  
  
Raven waved his hand nonchalantly. "Oh please. Where have you been the last hour?"  
  
Fiona looked at Raven in confusion. "Whatever do you mean? I've been standing right here in front of you. Don't you see me?" She paused, still looking bemused, when suddenly she gasped. "Oh joy, am I invisible?! Can you really *not* see me?! Is that why you don't know where I've been?!" Without waiting for an answer, she giggled delightedly, a high-pitched sound that tore through the lair. "Oooo, I'm invisible! Now I can rock and rock and rock all the livelong day, and the GF can't come to take me away! Oh, groovy, did you hear that?! An invisible rhyme!" Fiona chuckled again, rocking back and forth joyously.  
  
Raven looked at Fiona and shook his head. "Just when I thought blondes couldn't get any stupider."  
  
"Hey, fashion impaired so totally not super chick! I'll let you know that I take serious offense to that!" Thomas huffed, tossing his head and looking insulted.  
  
Raven eyed Thomas slyly. "Yeah, whatever, loser. How do I even know you're a true blonde? Sure doesn't look it!"   
  
Thomas' mouth dropped open, and for a second he just stood looking astonished and distressed. Then those emotions disappeared, and full-fledged anger filled the gap. "HOW *DARE* YOU?! HOW COULD YOU DOUBT MY TRUE COLOR EVEN FOR A SECOND?! I'M A REAL BLONDE, GIRLFRIEND, NOT ONE STRAND SAYS OTHERWISE!" he screeched.  
  
"SHUT UP! I CAN'T HEAR THE LITTLE VOICES IN MY HEAD OVER YOUR USELESS CHATTER!" Reese screamed frantically, curling into a tighter fetal position. "Luckily, they're nice enough to repeat themselves."  
  
"Aw, put a lid on it, Reeses girl! Not even the people in your mind would wanna talk to such a loser! Why don't you go stuff your face in a Reeses cup or somethin'?!" Raven shouted, giving her a maddening grin.   
  
"WHY MUST YOU TAUNT ME, CRUEL FIEND?! OH WHY MUST I ENDURE SUCH SUFFERING?!" Reese cried, smashing her head on the ground.   
  
"Aw, look, now they're both doing it!" Shadow said, gesturing to Specula and Reese. "It's so nice that they enjoy the same things! What a strong bond they've formed!"  
  
Thomas fingered his hair doubtfully, looking worried. He walked over to Hiltz. "D-do I like, really not like, look like a true like, blonde, and stuff?" he asked almost tearfully. His voice grew loud and hurried, full of insistence. "Cause this like, really is my like, real color, you like, know! Honestly, it totally is!" He looked at Hiltz, his eyes wide and pleading. "You like, believe me, don't ya Hiltz?"  
  
"Oh *sure*! But everybody's gotta grow up someday. It just happens like that." Hiltz shrugged as he sashayed back and forth across the lair.  
  
"Ar-are you saying that I like, totally *don't* look like a blonde?!" Thomas was on the verge of screaming, and he was beginning to tremble.  
  
"Noooo, he's saying you look like a simpleton! And I completely agree!" Raven shouted. He shook his head, chuckling to himself. "Ah, simpleton. What a great word!"  
  
Thomas ran over to Fiona, deciding desperately to place his last hopes in the ditzy girl. "Hey, girl, you would know. Am I like, the perfect blonde, or what?"   
  
Fiona gasped and looked up at him, her eyes wide and troubled. "But how did you see me?! I'm invisible, you're not 'opposed to know where I am! Awww fiddlesticks, does this mean I have to stop rocking now?" she sniffed sadly. "I was just getting the hang of it, too! The little people were even starting to talk to me again," she looked up at Thomas solemnly. "After Van took me to therapy and gave me funny medicine, they told me they were moving away, and then I didn't hear from them for a really long time," she sighed and shook her head. "I don't understand! I mean, they could've at least called!"   
  
Thomas jumped around in front of her nervously, almost bursting with anxiety. "AM I A BLONDE, CHICKY BABY?! AM I?!" he screamed, clenching his fists and looking up at the ceiling. When he looked down, his face was calm and rather perplexed as he looked over at the Dark Kaiser. "Uhhhhh, dude? You have like, a hole up there and some junk."  
  
Dark Kaiser sighed in annoyance. "I *know*, okay?! Don't tell me, tell her!" he added in frustration, pointing a finger at Reese. "It's all her fault, I didn't do anything! So you can take your accusations and your fancy judge talk somewhere else, ya hear?! Cause it wasn't me, I say!" He eyed Thomas nervously. "You're not with the fuzz, are ya?" When Thomas didn't answer, Dark Kaiser's eyes grew wide and panicky. "Aw, I knew it! They found me again!" he groaned, smacking himself in the head.   
  
"Ooooo, look, that cloud waved at me!" Thomas cried joyfully, his head facing skyward, completely ignoring the Dark Kaiser.  
  
"Did it really?" Fiona asked in awestruck wonder, coming to stand next to Thomas. "Wow, Dark Kaiser, your ceiling looks a lot like the sky! Too cool!"   
  
"Ya do the Hooookey Pokey! The Hooookey Pokey! Ya do the Hokey Pokey and ya turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!" Hiltz shouted cheerfully, hopping around the cave.   
  
Raven looked at all the imbeciles around him. "Once more, I am surrounded by idiots. There doesn't seem to be a hint of sanity anywhere." Raven looked around, at Thomas and Fiona staring upwards giggling about the sky, Hiltz dancing his heart out, Reese rocking and muttering to herself, Dark Kaiser packing a suitcase and shouting "They've found me, they've found me!", and then at the organoids, who were kinda just standing around arguing....again. "Yup, not a hint of sanity," he confirmed.   
  
Raven pulled a mirror out of his pocket and looked at it. "You're not sane neither, are ya?" he asked himself. "Nope, not at all," his reflection answered. Raven shook his head, smiling smugly. "I didn't think so, pal!"   
  
Suddenly Fiona pulled her gaze away from the ceiling and looked at Hiltz, who was still jumping around reciting the same lines from the Hokey Pokey over and over again. She stood silently for a second, finger on her chin, thinking hard. Thomas looked at her curiously. "Like, what's on your mind, girlfriend? Oh, I know. You're trying to figure out what your color is, aren't you? Well, personally, I've always gone for fire-engine red, but you seem to be more into the pink *thang* so-"  
  
"No, no, that's not it." Fiona interrupted. "Hiltz's very deep and moving dance performance got me thinking......what if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"   
  
Hiltz sniffed and wiped his eye. "I'm so touched that you were inspired by my presentation!" he proclaimed. "Was I really that good?" Hiltz grinned modestly, fluttering his eyelashes.  
  
Thomas shook his head. "Oh no *way*, girl! The Hokey Pokey is soooooo *not* what's in this year! Everyone knows that the miniskirt is truly what it's all about! Trust me on this one, I'm a professional," he assured Fiona.  
  
"Hmmm, well, I guess you could say that." Fiona mused. "After all, the Hokey Pokey kinda went out with pickles, didn't it?"   
  
"Oh sure, take his side! Whatever happened to my moving performance?!" Hiltz scoffed, looking insulted. "Artists are so misunderstood!" he tossed his head as he continued prancing around the room. "We gonna have a P-A-R-T-Y, PARTYBRATION!" he chanted as he twirled around.  
  
"What in the heck is a 'PARTYBRATION'?" Raven asked scornfully.   
  
"Yeah, totally. For Pete's sake Hiltz, whad'ya going on about?" Dark Kaiser asked, looking bewildered. "I ain't never gone to no partybration in my life!"  
  
"There's a first time for everything, chum! Ya just gotta find the adventure!" Fiona spoke up cheerily, wearing a huge grin and giving them all a thumbs up and a wink.  
  
"Would somebody shoot her? You know, I would, I really would, but I'm kinda busy at the moment. So for blue's sake, would somebody put me out of my misery?" Reese muttered, looking up at everyone. When she received no answer, she glared angrily at all of them. "I hate you all," she said simply, rocking back and forth again.  
  
"Thanks Reese! Not that your opinion matters to anyone, but thanks for the input! We're all gonna go cry now cause you hate us!" Raven called out sarcastically. Torturing Reese was just something that got better and better every time.  
  
"I-I just don't understand! How could she hate me?! Everybody loves *me*!" Fiona cried, shaking her head and putting her face in her hands.   
  
Raven gave her a weird look. "What the heck planet are you living on?" When he didn't get a response, he continued. "Well, freak? I'm waiting for an answer and I'm not gonna wait all day!"  
  
"Truly, Fiona dear, truly. Wherever did you get the idea that people actually *liked* you, dahling? Quite a preposterous sentiment, wouldn't you say?" Hiltz drawled, sipping tea and fanning himself with his Christmas list.  
  
"Cause I'm cute," Fiona sniffed sorrowfully. "A-and I'm blonde."   
  
Raven rolled his eyes. "Oh, shut up! Tommy boy over here is blonde and everybody still hates *him*!"  
  
"AHA! YOU ADMIT IT! I *AM* A REAL BLONDE!" Thomas cried triumphantly.   
  
"I don't hate him. I think he's a real cool kid!" Hiltz told Raven, twirling around on his toes as he spoke.  
  
"That's because you're a moron, Hiltz," Raven stated simply without any emotion, as though he were talking to a kindergartner.   
  
Thomas came over to Raven. "You're just jealous of my inner femininity and my uncanny ability to always choose outfits that bring out my eyes!" he shouted.  
  
"Oh yeah, that's it. I'm *real* jealous. That must be why I hate you. I mean, what other explanation could there be?" Raven snapped sarcastically, glaring at Thomas.   
  
Thomas smiled smugly. "Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful," he called out, grinning widely at everyone.   
  
Hiltz looked at Thomas for a second, and then walked over to Raven. "Am I beautiful?" he asked, fluttering his eyelashes and glancing down shyly.  
  
o_O Raven stared at Hiltz, unable to speak. After a full two minutes of silence, Hiltz gave up and sat down at his child's desk, pushing away the toy magazines. He took out a piece of paper and began drawing a field of wildflowers, bopping his head to imaginary music. Raven just stood in the middle of the lair, not moving, just repeating the same thing over and over to himself. "I'm not really here, this isn't happening. I'm not really here, this isn't happening."  
  
Fiona looked confused again. "But you are here! I can see you and everything!" She turned to Hiltz. "Did he turn invisible now?"  
  
"I ask you, is it possible? Honestly, can she get any stupider?" Reese muttered to herself in a barely audible voice. After pausing for a moment, she continued. "And for our home viewing audience, the answer is no!"  
  
"Nah. He doesn't like airplanes," Hiltz responded to Fiona's question, not bothering to look up from his drawing. "Aw, crackerjack! Does anybody have a tickle-me-pink crayon available?" he asked, holding up the broken end.   
  
"Hold on!" Dark Kaiser called out, starting to dig through a large patterned purse. Various objects flew above their heads as he struggled to find the requested item. "I know it's in here somewhere," he murmured as a trumpet, a garden hose, and several containers of creamed corn soared through the air.   
  
"Like, ahhhhh!" Thomas screamed, ducking to avoid getting hit by a cat that nearly collided with his head as it was thrown aside. The next thing they heard was the smash of a window. "Hiltz, you're paying for that," Dark Kaiser told him nonchalantly as he continued rummaging through the bag.  
  
"Okey smokey!" Hiltz replied as he got hit in the face with a phone cord. "Oh, never mind. I can use this thingymajigger!" he called out, picking up a pencil sharpener and jamming the crayon into the hole. "Thanks a bunch, DK!"   
  
"Aw great, I went through my whole getaway bag for nothing! Now I gotta start over!" Dark Kaiser moaned, glaring at Hiltz. "If those cherrytops catch me now, it's all your fault! Ya hear me, you stupid crayon-wanter?! For Pete's sake, now how am I gonna get outta this country without my hairdryer?" Dark Kaiser complained, looking around for the objects that he'd thrown.  
  
"Hey! Hey guys, look! Look guys! Hey, look! Guys, look! Come on, guys!" Shadow prompted, trying to get the other organoids to listen.   
  
"WHAAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!" Specula screamed testily.   
  
"No need to be an overbearing jerk face, Specula. Geez." Shadow huffed, crossing his tiny arms. "I just wanted to tell ya that Dark Kaiser's talking about Pete again."  
  
Ambient tossed his head in annoyance. "I resent the fact that he's never brought this 'Pete' to meet us! How dare he have friends that we don't have?!"  
  
"Well, Pete knows you need all the friends you can get, don't you, Ambient?" Specula muttered.  
  
"WHAT?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU'VE KNOWN PETE THIS WHOLE TIME?! AND YOU NEVER TOLD US?!" Ambient screamed at Specula, roaring furiously. He turned to Shadow angrily. "Did you know she was keeping this secret from us?!"  
  
Before Shadow could respond, Zeke spoke up, looking perplexed. "Uhhhhhh......not to interrupt or anything, but who's Pete?"  
  
Ambient turned on him in rage. "THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HERE, YOU IMBECILE!"  
  
"Hey man, that's *not* cool, calling me that!" Zeke shouted. "I just asked a simple question that you're probably too stupid to answer anyway! I mean, what was I thinking? You don't even know what shoe size a banana nut muffin is!"  
  
"That's because *banana nut muffins* don't wear shoes!" Ambient yelled. "And if you wanna know who Pete is, why don't you just ask HER, that low-life, secret-keeping, friend-deceiving, Pete-knowing loser!"   
  
Shadow gasped as he turned to look at the blue organoid. "You *know* him?! How could you betray us like that?!" he shook his head in disgust and disappointment. "Oprah would not appreciate this dishonest behavior, Specula. She would not accept it at all."  
  
"Oh really? And how do you know what that fruitcup appreciates? Well, moron?!" Specula shouted at him, angry that she was being accused.  
  
Shadow gaped at her, as if she had committed some unspeakable felony. "Oprah is most certainly *not* a fruitcup, Specula," he told her in a deadly serious tone. "I know what I'm talking about, because I saw her show last week about people who have so-called best friends that are lying two-faced ingrates that know people other people don't and keep their friendships with Pete a secret!" Shadow told her smugly without pausing to take a breath.   
  
"That wasn't the topic, stupid! Quit trying to accuse me of knowing people that I don't know that you think I know and I really don't know because I've never gotten the chance to know them!" Specula yelled. "Because I DON'T KNOW PETE!!!"   
  
Dark Kaiser looked over at the organoids curiously. "Hey, who's this guy Pete that you keep yelling about?" He eyed them suspiciously. "Do you people know something we don't?"  
  
"Oh, that's rich, Dark Kaiser! Don't act like you don't know what we're talking about! We know you have friends that you're keeping from us!" Shadow shouted, his eyes narrowing angrily.   
  
"What the heck are you talking about?! I have no friends, I have no friends!" Dark Kaiser yelled back at them, when suddenly he frowned. "No wait, I do have friends! But they're not anybody you don't know!" he added frantically.   
  
"DENIAL! THIS MAN IS GUILTY OF LYING OF THE FIRST DEGREE!" Ambient screamed, pointing an accusing claw at the Dark Kaiser. "You, sir, are sentenced to hard time at the county prism!"  
  
"Prison, stupid! It's prison!" Zeke hissed. He turned to look at the other two organoids. "I told ya. Didn't I tell ya? He's a moron, that's what I tell ya!"  
  
"Ooooo, can we have another trial?!" Hiltz begged. "The last one was soooooo fun! Even though I don't know why we had it...." he trailed off, trying hard to remember, when suddenly his face brightened. "Oh yeah, it was cause Smokey the Bear said so, wasn't it? Right? Am I right, guys?"   
  
"Already way ahead of ya," Shadow replied, pulling out his big judge hammer and banging it on Zeke's head. "WE HEREBY FIND THE DUDE GUILTY AND SENTENCE HIM TO....to uh.....what are we making him do again?"  
  
"Who cares? Just convict him and throw him in the brig, quick!" Ambient urged. "He's a lying cheat and I don't want him in my presence any longer!"  
  
"Okay, we sentence you to....uh........dress up in a funny apron and polish everybody's Zoids on daytime television while singing showtunes and balancing a bucket of red Jell-O with marshmallows on your head!" Shadow yelled, smashing the hammer down on Zeke's head again. "How's that?" he asked, turning to everyone else.   
  
Ambient smiled smugly. "Perfect." Everybody else nodded, smiling evilly, except for Zeke, who had collapsed on the floor and was muttering something about rainbows. Dark Kaiser looked deathly afraid. "BU-BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" he protested. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M THE DARK KAISER! I RULE ALL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! I'M INNOCENT, I TELL YOU, INNOCENT!" he cried.   
  
"Save it for the saps, granola boy! And stop screaming, you'll ruin your voice and then the viewing audience won't get their showtunes!" Ambient told him, still grinning widely.  
  
"I don't get it. That guy didn't do anything, did he? Why are they forcing him to do cruel and unusual things for the amusement of the people? Doesn't that cost money?" Fiona asked, turning to Raven.  
  
"Shut up, nimrod. I can only take so much of a dumb blonde." Raven muttered from where he still stood, and then went back to chanting.  
  
Fiona shook her head as she turned away. "I don't get that, either. Why's everyone being such a turkey head today?"   
  
Thomas blew gently on his rosy red nails as he responded to Fiona. "Oh, I so totally know what you mean, girl!" he lowered his voice and smiled knowingly. "It's that time of month."  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhh," a look of understanding crossed Fiona's face and she nodded. "Yeah, it has been getting kinda cold lately. Unhappy weather, that must be the thing. Now I get it."   
  
Before Thomas could respond, Raven jumped in. "Like, oooo, could you do my nails, too? Cause that would be like, soooooooo groovy!" he shrieked sarcastically. "You're such a loser, Schubaltz," he continued, shaking his head.  
  
Fiona looked at Thomas sympathetically. "Don't worry. It's that *time of month*," she smiled and winked at him.  
  
"Like, save me," Thomas muttered as he fell anime-style.  
  
Van's still on the ceiling. That should take care of any questions. And now, I'm doing what I promised and giving all you wonderful reviewers proper recognition, from the very first chapter to the latest installment of lunacy. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?  
  
My appreciation and thanks go to: Evil Person, Final Paradise, Maelgwyn, The Echidna, Dark Warrior, Blackraven10187, Stryker, Any-mass, idesel, Annie, The Krazed Kitsune  
  
Amrun- Do I even have to say it? (hugs LP rock possessively and hands you extra big box of double chocolate chip cookies) Thanks a lots for stickin with me n my insane fic!  
  
Paladin Dragoon- Yep, I finally updated! I think I died, but then I came back......I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE! (O_O sees you run away) Aw, wait a sec! Come back! Uh, I have cookies! (sighs) I lose a lotta reviewers that way.......  
  
The Black Blade Liger X- As always, good to know there's other psychos out there! Here! You can never have too many of these! (hands you three super size boxes of assorted cookies) One for Nikita, one for Naomi, and one for you! Thanks so much for always reviewing my fics. You're the best, BBLX, the very best! (sees other reviewers forming an angry mob) AHHHH, NO! (whips out flamethrower) Don't make me use this! I'M WARNING YOU! (begins torching random objects and laughing maniacally) One last thing before I completely lose my mind......LINKIN PARK RULES FOREVER! YAY! You might wanna leave now so ya don't get caught in the line of fire....... 


	10. Idiots Just Wanna Have Fun

Contrary to popular belief, I AM NOT DEAD! I just kinda....disappeared....BUT I'M BACK NOW! YAY! And unfortunately, my muses somehow returned from infinite nothingness as well....man, they haven't been around in awhile...  
  
Little Link: OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY! We get to introduce a fic, we get to introduce a fic! (dances around stupidly)  
  
Vega: SNAPPLESAUCE! (jumping up and down)  
  
Okay, that's enough. (snaps off dramatic rock rendition of Zelda Lost Woods music) You can both leave now.   
  
Little Link: WHAT?! That's it? No applause? No balloons? No free stuff?  
  
SILENCE! These people have waited over a month already and they don't wanna sit here watching you two act like idiots! (clenches fists) So start the fic....and nobody gets hurt....  
  
Vega: Okay, okay! (stands there for a second not doing anything, looks over at Fade) Uh...Fade? I dunno how.....  
  
Little Link(looks around blankly): Yeah, I think this thing is broked.   
  
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! MUST I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU PEOPLE?! Now watch carefully, I'm only gonna do this once. (presses giant red button that says START FIC) See? You press the stupid button, okay, morons?! So whad'ya gonna do next time I tell you to start a fic?  
  
Little Link and Vega: PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON! ^___________^ (grin dumbly)  
  
(sigh) Thank God that's over....man, I need an Oreo....  
  
Disclaimer: I own.....drumroll, please....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YAY! (everybody falls anime style) What? What'd I say? Oh, and I don't own the line "Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." That belongs to Shakespeare.   
  
Chillin On the Dark Side  
  
Chapter 10: Idiots Just Wanna Have Fun  
  
"I'm bored!" Fiona whined, picking up a banana and chucking it across the room in frustration.   
  
"HEY!" Dark Kaiser shouted irritably. "I don't appreciate you soiling my lair like that! Kindly keep your fruits to yourself!"   
  
"Fruits, fruits! They keep ya full o' pep! Fruits, fruits! They put some pepper in ya step! Fruits, fruits! They make me wanna dance! Fruits, fruits! They.....they uh.....they fit nicely in your pants!" Hiltz smiled proudly as he finished his song. "TA DA! The Amazing Hiltz, here for your entertainment pleasure!" He whipped out a harmonica and started playing a jingle. "Hiltz, Hiltz, he'll show ya the fun! Hiltz, Hiltz, he's number one!"   
  
"OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!" Raven screamed, tearing at his hair. "What the heck do you think this is, Cirque du Soleil or something?!"   
  
"Seriously, girl. This ain't no disco!" Thomas commented, flipping his hair back with a scoff.   
  
"I rather enjoy fruits! And disco! Ahh ahh ahh ahh, stayin alive!" Fiona chanted, striking a disco pose and grinning at everyone. "Groovy, man!" She watched as everyone fell anime-style, and looked bemused. "What? Van taught me how to do it! Hey, where IS Van? I just 'membered I haven't seen him in like a bizillion light years."   
  
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone turned to stare at Raven as he started laughing psychotically. "Van, you say? I took care of him, yes I sure did! It was brilliant!" His eyes were shining, relishing in the memory.   
  
Fiona looked rather afraid. "Where is he?! What did you do to him, you fiend?!" she cried. She was silent for a moment, tilting her head to the side and looking thoughtful. Then she nodded. "Hey, you're right! If Van doesn't come back, he can't put me in that funny jacket again!" After another second of silence she started shouting. "Whad'ya mean 'ungrateful'?! It's a nice robe and all, but I just don't get why it ties in the back........"  
  
"Like, who's she chattin' wit?" Thomas asked, looking at Hiltz and Raven for answers.  
  
"Golly gee, I dunno. Someone must be talkin' to her, on account of she keeps answering them......." Hiltz trailed off, thinking hard. Suddenly his entire face brightened. "I know! She's talkin' to an invisible dude! Like......like a stuperhero or something!"  
  
"She's not talkin' to no STUPIDhero, you idiot! She's talking to the nice little childs that live inside her empty head. You should try it sometime; they're very insightful." Reese called out from her corner.  
  
Hiltz rolled his eyes upwards, trying to look up at his own head. "You mean I got peoples in there? Anybody home?" he banged a fist on his head twice and then fell back on the ground. "The lights is all out....."  
  
"Oh puhleeeeeaaaaaaaase! You like, actually believe that little persons live like, inside your head and stuff? That's like, such a load of tapioca!" Thomas scoffed.   
  
"Hey! Quit insulting my beliefs, you Communist trash!" Dark Kaiser yelled angrily.  
  
"Seriously, man. You gotta be more open-minded, or else they'll never talk to you." Zeke advised.   
  
Shadow turned and glared at the silver organoid. "Oh, so now you're Dr. Phil or something? Some kinda expert on psychoanalytic therapy?"   
  
"AHHHHHHHH! NO BIG WORDS, NO BIG WORDS!" Ambient screamed, clutching his head in pain with his tiny claws. He held up a hex sign in Shadow's direction and started backing away.  
  
"They won't talk to you if you go bashing yourself in the head, stupid! They don't like being disturbed!" Reese sounded insulted, as though she was the one Hiltz had just smashed.   
  
  
  
"Um, hello? Like, is anyone here sane?" Thomas asked, holding up a finger and waving it around to get their attention. When he received no answer he became annoyed. "Like, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" he shouted, waving his entire hand now.   
  
"No, okay! No one's sane!" a voice shouted, sounding incredibly irritated.  
  
Fiona's eyes widened and she looked around blankly. "Jinkies, where'd that disembodied voice come from?" She looked upwards sternly. "Archibald, are you playing tricks on me again?"  
  
"Archibald.......isn't that a perennial vegetable?" Shadow asked Specula curiously. The blue organoid simply looked at him. "Shadow, were you often abused in your early age?"   
  
Shadow looked confused. "Yeah........what's that have to do with vegetables?" Suddenly he was horrified. "Don't tell me.........I WAS ONCE A VEGETABLE?! Oh, tell me I wasn't a carrot!" he begged desperately. Specula stared at him for a second, and then returned to her good ol' spot on the wall. "Dear God, where did I go wrong?"  
  
Ambient turned to Specula. "You mean you knew all along that Shadow is actually a cucumber and you never told us?! YOU DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR!" He glared menacingly at Specula. "What kind of friendship is this, eh, Specula? Keeping all these secrets from us! First Pete, then Shadow! What's next, gonna tell us that Reese is like, an Ancient Zoidian or something with creepy psychical powers?"  
  
"Reese IS an Ancient Zoidian with creepy psychical powers, you imbecile!" Specula snapped testily.   
  
Ambient's jaw dropped to the floor and he gasped. "I don't believe this.....this........THIS TREACHERY! THE DECEPTION! THE CRUEL, UTTER DECEIT! I WILL NEVER EVER TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING AGAIN, SPECULA! EVER!" he screamed. "And next time I have a secret I'm not telling it to you! Hmph!" He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out at the blue organoid. "So there, liar liar, plants for buyer!"   
  
"It's pants on fire, stupid moron!" Specula yelled.  
  
"Figures you would know!" Ambient shot back.   
  
"Gee, Specula. I had no idea you were a rotten, two-faced scum bucket!" Zeke said in amazement.  
  
"Believe it, buddy boy." Ambient told him sourly. "This one here's as low as they get."  
  
Shadow stood looking shocked, shaking his head back and forth incredulously. "I can't believe this. I really, really can't believe this load of crap!" He grabbed Ambient and shook him frantically. "Is it true?! Am I really a vegetable?! A side salad, even?!"   
  
Ambient shrugged. "It appears you are, my friend. And.....don't tell anyone I let this slip or anything, but I hear that........." He leaned in and whispered in the black organoid's ear. Shadow pulled back fearfully. "Are you sure? ITALIAN DRESSING?!" he cried. Ambient nodded solemnly. "It may seem like a cruel fate, but in reality things could be worse. Ya just gotta keep it in perspective, man."  
  
"But ITALIAN!" Shadow protested, throwing his tiny arms in the air. "I'm not even from Africa! This is SO totally unfair! I wanna have another trial to prove my origins!"  
  
"Look Shadow, you have to face reality, man. A trial won't change the fact that you originated in a Polish hippie's garden as a peace-loving rutabaga. Denial will only make it harder. We're all going to die someday, anyway." Ambient said matter-of-factly.  
  
"But-" Shadow started to resist but suddenly glared at the red organoid. "Hey, you said I came from Egypt, not Poland!" he yelled angrily. Ambient looked sheepishly at the ground. "Aw come on, what difference does it make? They were both hippies!"  
  
"But the Egypt guy was a mummy, not a hippie! And he had three eyes! That's what you said, Ambient!" Shadow accused. Zeke stood on the side, looking confused. "Three eyes? Really?" Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to lie to me about my ancestry?"   
  
"Hmph. You just don't want to believe it, that's all. Think whatever you want; it won't change your screwed up past full of mentally challenged nimrods!" Ambient snapped, turning away with an aggravated toss of his tail.  
  
"Insult my kin, will you? I won't stand for this ridicule! If you utter so much as one more syllable about my family I will have to hold you in contempt!" Shadow yelled, whipping out his cool judge hammer and brandishing it threateningly.   
  
"You're just too afraid to admit that there's been something wrong with you since the earliest of your days. You're a big stupid idiot who's in denial and I refuse to take any of your crap, Shadow! Go take your big stupid hammer and your big stupid mouth and shove it!" Ambient shouted.   
  
"Fine then! But I still don't believe your filthy rotten lie about the Pilgrims eating me with garnish on the side at the first Thanksgiving dinner." Shadow muttered.   
  
"You don't have to. Everyone else knows it's true." Ambient shot back defiantly. "Don't you.....Zeke?!" He turned to the gray organoid expectantly.  
  
"M-me?!" Zeke started backing away, holding his claws up in defense. "I don't know nothing about any Easter breakfast or anything like that! No way, man!" Ambient growled menacingly at him and whipped out a high-powered grenade launcher. Zeke paled. "Okay, okay! It's true! Shadow did get eated with salt and pepper and organdy and all that stuffs! HE DID, HE DID! I-I SAWED THE WHOLE THING! JUST DON'T SHOOT THAT THINGY!" Zeke cried, backing away even more.   
  
Returning the grenade launcher to the random place from which he'd pulled it out, Ambient grinned triumphantly. "See?" he taunted Shadow, sticking out his tongue. "Oh yeah, who's the good organoid? Who's got the looks? Who's got the brains? He's Ambient, the numero uno dude!" Ambient chanted, swaying back and forth.  
  
"Oh look, he's inherited Hiltz's crappy singing ability, too!" Shadow drawled sarcastically. "You do that little dance, Ambient!"  
  
Ambient was opening his mouth to retaliate when..........   
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Fiona screamed suddenly, causing the entire lair to shake.  
  
"Hey, *watch* it, man!" Dark Kaiser shouted testily. "You break it and you either die or pay for its repair!"  
  
"BUT I WANNA KNOW WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM!" Fiona screeched, stomping her foot and crossing her arms over her chest in a huff. "Archibald says it wasn't him and I wanna know who it was right now or I'll......." she stopped for a second and thought. "Well I dunno but whatever it is it's gonna be real bad! Like, REAL bad! Like.......LIKE SETTING HILTZ'S CRAYOLA SET ON FIRE!!!!"   
  
A high pitched scream echoed through the cavern as Hiltz dived for his crayons. "NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! JUST DON'T TOUCH PINKY SUE!" he wailed, holding up a rosy colored crayon.   
  
"It was ME, you morons! ME!" the voice shouted. It's owner was clearly very annoyed.   
  
"Like, where *are* you at, girlfriend? I like, totally don't see anybody." Thomas remarked, glancing around.  
  
Raven noticed Fiona opening her mouth and quickly jumped in. "For God's sake, just spit it out already! If I gotta listen to THAT again...." he pointed at Fiona and pulled out his bottle of aspirin, popping two more into his mouth.  
  
"Hey, you better watch how many of those you take, man! Cause I know this guy who has this friend who knows this kid who lives in Philly, right? And this kid who knows this guy who has this friend ate like a bizillion of those funny white circle thingys? And then he went plumb crazy and ran a jet right through the White House!" Dark Kaiser told Raven. Suddenly he paused. "Or were those jellybeans? Hmmmm......well at any rate they were white and this kid, he took like a lot of them, I'm talking A WHOLE LOT and then he- "  
  
"WE KNOW, OKAY?! FLEW A TRICYCLE THROUGH THE GREEN COTTAGE! NOW CAN YOU SHUT THE HECK UP?!" Reese shrieked. "It's getting to be so a person can't even lose their mind anymore! I mean, what do I have to do? Jump off a building to get some peace and quiet and a cup of tea?"  
  
"If you don't tell me where that voice is comin from I swear I'll do it," Fiona warned, inching towards Hiltz with a pink lighter. Hiltz whimpered and hugged his crayon box to his chest. His eyes grew big and pleading. "Could you at least spare Minty?" he begged, displaying a forest green crayon. "And Blinky Joe?"   
  
"Blinky Joe?! What kinda simpleton names a crayon *Blinky Joe*?!" Raven yelled, throwing his hands up in a gesture of annoyance and frustration.   
  
"For your information, Mr. I'm Too Stinkin Cool For Coloring, Blinky Joe happens to be the brother of Inky Moe, who is the cousin of Dinky Hoe, who is the half brother of Linky Bo, who happens to be marrying Lulu!" Hiltz explained haughtily, holding up all the different crayons as he spoke.  
  
The look on Raven's face changed from completely confused to utterly disbelieved at the idiocy in front of him. "I'm just not even gonna ask. Cause it's not even worth wasting my life to tell you how incredibly stupid and moronic you are. Cause I must've told you about a kabillion times that you're a crackhead and yet you're still devising relationships for crayons."  
  
"You're just jealous cause you missed yesterday's episode of Crayolove and you don't know about Minty's affair with Inky Moe's girlfriend Mary Bob!" Hiltz huffed, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out at Raven.  
  
"All those stupid crayon thingys are gonna be cremated in a second!" Fiona screamed, flourishing the lighter. "You better tell me who's talkin or I'll rip your intestines out and put a bomb in them and then put them back in you and when I press some cool shiny red button that activates stuff, you'll go KABOOM! like a race car!"   
  
"Like, why don't you just shove a bomb down his throat and save yourself some trouble, chicky? It would be like soooooooo much more efficient, you know?" Thomas commented casually.  
  
"You askin for a funeral, buddy?" Fiona shrieked, turning to Thomas with her handy lighter. "Don't you be tellin me how to run this show!"  
  
"Like, chill, girl! Anger is like, soooooo last millennium," Thomas advised. He gave Fiona a quick once-over and scoffed. "But then, like, so's your outfit!"  
  
Fiona froze suddenly and looked down, self-consciously examining her pink getup. "Wha-what? My clothes are....OLD?! OH MY GOD!" she screamed, tugging at her hair in desperation. "There's like, no hope! All is like, lost and stuff!"  
  
"That's like, the spirit, sister! You get down wit your pink self!" Thomas grinned stupidly, proud that he'd taught another his ways.   
  
"Oh God.....another one. I can't do this. I just CANNOT do this!" Raven moaned, chugging the bottle of aspirin. He fell to his knees and brought his hands to the sky, screaming at no one in particular. "I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER THOMAS!"  
  
  
  
"I can't take the first Thomas!" Dark Kaiser sniffed. "He stole my very favoritest shoes from my closet!"  
  
  
  
Thomas rolled his eyes and tossed his head. "Like, I thought you were totally over that, chicky baby! You totally know that I like, needed those for the junior prom at New Helic High! And I even like, bought you that sugary confectionary treat, which like, totally went against your no-carb diet and some junk!"  
  
Dark Kaiser wailed piteously. "But you ate half of it! And you didn't get the kind with the jimmies and the purpley frosting!"  
  
Thomas looked shocked and horrified. "You-you like totally PROMISED never to say anything about that! EVER!" he screamed. "I trusted you and you betrayed me!"  
  
"Oooooo, this is starting to sound like an episode of Crayolove!" Hiltz cried excitedly. "Keep going, keep going! I need some new material for the emotional fight scene between Inky Moe and Mary Bob!"  
  
Thomas sniffed pitifully. "I like, can't believe you're using my painful experiences for your own twisted amusement. This is like, so wrong! Can you not see that I'm like, suffering?!"  
  
"YOU'RE suffering! Ha!" Dark Kaiser shouted. He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "I'm the one being deprived of purpley frosting here."  
  
"The "purpley frosting", or like, whatever you call it, is exactly 2.5 grams MORE fattening than like, the glazed topping! Does that mean nothing to you?!" Thomas shouted.  
  
"Well you're the one who shoved the stupid thing halfway in your mouth before I even got to SEE it!" Dark Kaiser yelled back.  
  
"Gkdfkdhdgdg-GASP!" Thomas blathered, eyes wide and completely speechless. "Like, how could you?! How dare you even imply such treason?! I did nothing of the sort!"  
  
"ERRRRR YES YOU DID! YOU ATE THE DONUT, THOMAS! YOU ATE MY DONUT, DARN IT!" Dark Kaiser shrieked. He stopped suddenly and glanced around sneakily. "And.....you gained .367 pounds," he added smugly.   
  
"BLAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LIKE, OH MY GOD!" Raven laughed sarcastically. "You, like, actually ATE?! Like, hurry and go throw it up before it all goes to your thighs!"  
  
Thomas looked at everyone, screamed several times, tore out a few chunks of his hair in desperation, and ran into the bathroom. Fiona stared after him. "Like, what's his deal? He's being like, such a temperamental chick today." She looked around the lair at all the idiots staring back at her. "Is it like, that time of month again?"  
  
"And just when I thought I'd get a minute of peace...." Raven growled. He began walking slowly over to Fiona. "Hey....uh....Fiona!" He draped an arm around her shoulders and she looked back at him rather uneasily. "When was the last time I showed you my favorite toy?"   
  
Fiona's crimson orbs were shining with wonder. "Gee jiminy, I dunno! But I sure love toys! 'Specially ones that go BEEEEP ERRRR HONK HONK!!!!" She gestured wildly with her hands as though she were driving a jet plane about to collide with a mountain. "Like, systems down! JUMP MORON BOB! JUMP! I-IT'S TOO LATE! WE'RE GOING DOWN! THE ENTIRE JET IS GOING UP IN FLAMES! WHERE'S MY SANDWICH, DARN IT?!"  
  
  
  
Raven stared at the girl, resisting the urge to run away. "Uhhhh....right! Me too! But my toy makes a much better sound," he explained, pulling out a machine gun and hiding it behind his back.   
  
"Oooooooo really? Cause I like sounds. They make everything so interesting and junk, don't you think? Specially when you're readin and the invisible voice goes "turn the page" and then you're like WOW AND A ZILLION, I WASN'T EXPECTIN THAT!" Hiltz cried joyfully, not caring that nobody was listening to him. "It just gives you such a special feeling of applesauce, don't it? Ya know what I mean, guys?"  
  
"You want applesauce, moron?! Bye golly, I'll give YOU something to feel special about!" Reese threatened. "It just so happens I've got a hundred and sixteen Mott's applesauces, WITH cinnamon, mind you, hidden in this lair, just waiting for my signal to ATTACK! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
"That's impossible!" Specula shouted. The other three organoids glanced at her.  
  
"Duhhhhh.....why? Seems perfectly logical to me." Shadow replied.  
  
"Have you forgotten all about what happened on Arbor Day last year?!" Specula screamed at him. "Reese would NEVER join forces with sauces of any kind after that!" She turned from the organoids to everyone else. "Don't buy it! She's playing you for a fool! IT'S ALL A DASTARDLY LIE!"  
  
"ERRRRR, QUIET MORTAL!" Reese yelled, chucking an expensive piece of pottery at her organoid. "You know nothing of my evil plans! NOTHING!"  
  
"But Reese! You....and there was the bottle of A1 and-"   
  
"SILENCE!" Reese screamed. "I DEMAND THAT YOU DISCONTINUE THIS USELESS CHATTER OF SEASONINGS AND WHATNOT, LEST YOU WISH TO BE DONE IN BY MY TROOPS! HOLD THY TONGUE, THOU JADED MAD-BREAD RUFFIAN!"  
  
"Great Scott! She's speaking in Old English!" Ambient yelled, jabbing a claw at Reese.   
  
"Good gumdrops, she's possessed! Snap out of it, Reese!" Shadow cried frantically.  
  
"Wait, wait! I've seen this before." Zeke told them. He came to stand before Reese and raised his claws to the air. "KALAMAZOO!" he thundered. "KABLOOEY OOEY MOOEY! BRICK-A-BRACK FRUITCAKE! GOATMEAL!" When he had finished screaming he dropped his claws and walked away. "I've done all I can do."  
  
"How dare thee attempt to silence mine tongue? Ye know nothing of thyself!" Reese shouted accusingly.   
  
"Aw, come on! You didn't even fix her!" Shadow yelled at Zeke. "What good is a bunch of freaky sorcery if it doesn't even work?!"  
  
"Hast thou just spoken of witchcraft?!" Reese called out in shock. "WHEREFORE BE THIS WITCH?! THOU SHALT BE BURNED AT THE STAKE IF THOU SHALT NOT REVEAL WHAT THOU HAST SEEN!"  
  
"SHUT UP, REESE!" Specula screamed, walking over to her master and shaking her violently. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"  
  
"No, no, that won't work! We have to communicate in her own tongue!" Hiltz told the organoid.  
  
"Oh God. This is gonna be painful." Ambient muttered to Shadow and Zeke. "Hiltz can barely speak American, let alone Old English!"   
  
"Stand aside, mortal fool." Hiltz brushed Specula out of the way as he approached Reese. "I pray thee, cease thy talk! Thou knowest not what hast been uttered!"  
  
OoO Ambient's jaw dropped and he stared at his master wordlessly.  
  
"Suffering succotash, I didn't know Hiltz spoke Shakespearean!" Shadow shouted in astonishment. "What a neat trick!"  
  
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" Zeke yelled, jumping up and down. "Does this mean we can put him on Ripley's Believe It or Not as some mentally challenged polyglot who can speak different junk but can't even tie his own shoes and receive ridiculously large amounts of money and prestige?"  
  
"Hey, I know that show!" Fiona cried excitedly. "A real long time ago, Van told me that if I ever said his name again he'd put me on there as "The One-Word Wonder" and completely disown me!" She smiled proudly. "Cool, huh?"  
  
Hiltz laughed heartily. "Surely you jest!"  
  
Fiona gave him a blank look and spoke slowly, as though he was daft. "Nooooo, I'm allergic to tuna fish. Although I do rather enjoy rainbow trout...."  
  
"M' lady, thou hast pleasurable wit! Tis a true honor to be in your presence. If I may escort thee to thy chair?" Hiltz held out a hand to Fiona.   
  
"What chair?" Dark Kaiser asked, glancing around his lair. "There is no chair, stupid!"  
  
"My good sir! Does thou not see what lies ahead? Thou hast a clever thought, but thou shan't go far. Open thine eyes!" Hiltz gestured grandly with his hands.  
  
"That's it. We either shoot him down, or give him to Ripley. Which one?" Shadow asked Ambient and Zeke.   
  
"Well if anybody's shooting him down, it's gonna be me!" Raven told the organoids, whipping out the machine gun he'd been saving for Fiona and aiming it at Hiltz. "I've been waitin for an open shot at one of these morons all day!"  
  
"No! Don't open fire!" Ambient begged, stepping in front of Raven. "You can't do that to Hiltz! I won't let you!"  
  
"Well, gee bob, why not?" Zeke asked in confusion.  
  
"Seriously Ambient. What's your problem?" Shadow stared at the red organoid. Suddenly his eyes widened. "Don't tell me.....you don't want Raven to kill little Hiltzy-wiltzy?"  
  
Ambient glared daggers at Shadow. "I told you NEVER to bring that up again if you valued your life."  
  
"Awww, look! Widdle Ambient's blushing! He doesn't wanna lose his itty-bitty master!" Shadow crooned infuriatingly.   
  
"He's turning red all over!" Zeke sang out, dancing back and forth in an effort to annoy Ambient.  
  
"I AM RED, YOU IDIOT!" Ambient screamed. He turned to Shadow. "Look, imbecile, don't you think I'd have a good reason for standing here with a gun pointed at my head?!"  
  
"Well, yeah! You're trying to save lil Hiltz from death!" Shadow snickered.  
  
"I said a GOOD reason, dimwit." Ambient rolled his eyes. "I wanna sell him to Ripley. Why kill him when we can make big bucks off his stupidity?"  
  
Raven lowered the gun. "I agree with the sappy idiot. Let's deal in the moron."  
  
"Done." Shadow snapped his fingers. "Dark Kaiser! The straightjacket, please!"   
  
"But I'm wearing it!" the Dark Kaiser protested.   
  
"Then just give us another one, for cheeses' sake!" Shadow yelled impatiently.  
  
"Oh, fine!" A straightjacket came flying over the side of the Dark Kaiser's orb and landed at Raven's feet.   
  
"Hey!" the dark haired warrior exclaimed as he picked it up. He crossed his arms over his chest angrily. "This is mine!"  
  
"It's for the cause, man." Shadow reassured Raven as he took the jacket from him. "Now here's what I'm thinkin...." he began whispering his plan to Ambient, Raven, and Zeke.  
  
Meanwhile, Hiltz had seated Fiona at his child's desk with Thomas' copy of Seventeen and a wine glass full of Fruity Punch Cooler with a bendy straw. "Dost thou wish for nothing else?" Hiltz bowed before the blonde.  
  
Fiona's screechy giggle, which brought torment to the ears of all those within hearing range, ripped through the cavern. She slurped her drink eagerly, playing with the little fake umbrella. Apparently she was enjoying herself. "Like, yeah, can I have some gum?"  
  
"Like, yeah, can I have a GUN?!" Reese screamed sarcastically, tugging at her blue tresses.   
  
"Reese! You're cured!" Specula shouted. "You're not talking funny! You're ticked off! You're asking for a gun! HURRAY, IT'S A MIRACLE!"  
  
"A miracle, you say? 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!' Thou knavish lily-livered pantaloon! Surely thou hast gone mad!" Reese told her organoid. Specula gaped at her master and suddenly crumbled into a million pieces. The remnants scattered on the floor amidst a cloud of dust. (Cmon, people, I know you've seen this kinda thing in cartoons before! Don't act like it can't happen!)  
  
"CRICKET!" Fiona shrieked, pointing a finger at the pile of blue fragments.   
  
"What the crap is God's failure shouting about now?" Raven asked, looking irritated that the plans to capture Hiltz and become filthy stinkin' rich were being interrupted.  
  
Ambient turned to look where Fiona was pointing and gasped. "OH MY CRACKERJACK, REESE KILLED SPECULA! MURDER! HOMICIDE! MUTILATION! AN INNOCENT HAS BEEN SLAIN!"  
  
Reese looked confused as she listened to Ambient scream at her. "Slain, indeed? Surely thou hast not an inkling of thy wit. Tis crazy talk, to think one departed. Dost thou not know it?"   
  
"QUIT TRYING TO BUY YOUR WAY OUTTA THE CRIME WITH THAT FANCY TALK!" Ambient accused. "SHADOW! I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THE HAMMER AND THE INCREDIBLY SEVERE PUNISHMENTS AGAIN!"  
  
  
  
"Oh joy!" Shadow cried cheerfully, brandishing his cool hammer. "I hereby hate you and find you guilty of committing some stupid crap, and I sentence you to-"  
  
"HOLD IT!" Raven thundered, interrupting Shadow's professional judge speech. Everyone in the lair looked at him. "What about Hiltz? I want my money! I want my fame! I WANT HIM OUTTA MY FACE! YOU HEAR ME, IMBECILES?!"  
  
"Hmmmm. Yes, that is quite a predicament." Shadow commented, placing a claw on his snout and thinking hard.  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, SHADOW?! ENOUGH WITH THE BIG STINKIN WORDS, OKAY?! NOT ALL OF US GRADUATED FROM PRESCHOOL HERE!" Ambient screamed angrily.   
  
"Okay, okay! No need to get all uncongenial on me!" Shadow huffed. Ambient's eyes flashed and he revealed a pulse laser gun. The black organoid gulped.   
  
"Not another word." Ambient hissed. "Cause I'll do it. You talk and I MIGHT JUST DO IT!" He laughed maniacally.  
  
"Alright now, Ambient, let's not do anything hasty, okay?" Shadow said slowly, backing away.   
  
"WHO'S BEIN HASTY?!" Ambient shouted, twirling the gun around wildly.  
  
  
  
"Watch where you're aimin that thing, Ambient! You don't even know what you're doing!" Shadow shouted.  
  
"Yes I do! You're not the only one who knows how to work advanced high-tech weaponry, you know!" Ambient fiddled with the gun, turning it all around and examining it. "Where the CRAP is the trigger on this thingamabober?!"  
  
Shadow rolled his eyes and sighed. "I should've known you were no threat. Okay, so anyways, here's my INCREDIBLY INGENIOUS solution. We're gonna get 2 hamburgers for the price of 1, see?"  
  
"OH HAPPY JOY, MCDONALDS TIME!" Zeke cried happily. "Who's drivin?"  
  
  
  
"No no no! There isn't going to be any McDonalds, stupid!" Shadow shouted at him.  
  
Zeke rolled his eyes. "Ha. Good one. But really, how are we supposed to get hamburgers if we don't go to McDonalds? HM?! WHO'S THE STUPID ONE NOW?!"  
  
"YOU ARE!" Shadow screamed at the gray organoid. "I WAS SPEAKING HYPOTHETICALLY!"  
  
Ambient threw his hands up in the air. "OH, HERE WE GO! MORE WITH THE BIG WORDS AND THE SWANK!" He glared menacingly at Shadow. "Shadow, I'm warning you, if I EVER find the trigger on this stupid thing, YOU are gonna be completely incinerated!"  
  
Raven snatched the gun from the organoid's hands and held it expertly aimed at Ambient's head. "YOU are gonna be incinerated if I don't hear how I'm gonna get my money in the next two seconds! GOT IT, BUDDY BOY?! NO MERCY, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"  
  
"Uh.....yeah....why don't you....take the gun.....yeah..." Ambient gulped as he took a few steps back.  
  
"Uh, can we get back to my INCREDIBLY INGENIOUS plan now?" Shadow called out impatiently.  
  
"TALK MORON!" Raven barked, turning the gun so it was aiming at his organoid instead.  
  
Shadow held his claws up in defense. "Okaaaay, so I've got a psycho pointing a gun at me....no problem....." He saw Raven scowl and position the gun, and began speaking fast. "So we wanna punish Reese and sell Hiltz to Ripley, right? So all we gots to do is....sentence Reese to lifetime imprisonment with a dancing banana in a possum cage and-"  
  
"HOLD IT!" Ambient shouted, causing Raven, Zeke, and Shadow to look over at him in annoyance. "Where are we gonna get a dancing banana?"   
  
Shadow sighed, as if the answer was incredibly obvious. "We're gonna order one off Ebay, moron. Okay, so like I was saying we have the possum cage and the banana and then we have to get a performing monkey so-"  
  
"WAIT!" Raven yelled. "This isn't going to work."  
  
"WHY THE CRAP NOT?!" Shadow shouted, punching the ground with his fist.  
  
"A performing monkey, Shadow? Come on, be reasonable. How much is that kinda talent going to cost?"  
  
"Not to mention the shipping cost for the dancing banana." Zeke added.  
  
"And what if somebody outbids us? There are only so many cultured fruits in the world." Ambient told Shadow.  
  
Shadow sat there, listening to everything that could possibly be wrong with his incredibly ingenious plan, until he couldn't take it anymore. "OKAY, FINE! FINE!" he exploded in the midst of Ambient's explaining about the Finnish transportation bill for possums. "SO MY IDEA'S A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE! I GET IT ALREADY!" He sighed, sat back in a random chair, and stared up at the ceiling.  
  
"I'm still getting that banana."  
  
Well, there ya go. Another very long, very insane chapter! I'm so proud! ^_^ Anyways, this might be the last one for awhile since the unexplainable torture some call school is starting soon....I'll keep writing but the updates might get kinda far apart. I'll do my best.  
  
Little Link: Hey! Hey, Vega! How do you start the fic? (stupid grin)  
  
Vega(pretends to think): Gee, I dunno! Could it be that....YOU PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON?! (both crack up laughing hysterically)  
  
WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?! You're supposed to be telling people to review!  
  
Vega(looks slyly over at Little Link): Hey, Little Link! How do people review?  
  
Little Link: Hmm I'm not sure! Maybe they.....PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-(is smashed over the head with titanium metal bat) Owww...  
  
Well, you heard the guy! Press the stupid button and review! Thanks a lots! ^________^ 


	11. Hara kiri Gone Awry

The disclaimer today is brought to you by our very own Hylian, Little Link! *clash of cymbals*   
  
Little Link*clears throat*: Thank you. Fade doesn't own crap. She's a loser with no life and she does this for the sole pleasure of tormenting characters and readers alike. However, Hiltz's touching song lyrics are entirely original and belong only to Fade. Anyone found guilty of copyright infringement will be shipped to the Ukraine with the cheapest overnight postage service available and given to a clan of rabid gerbils as a sacrifice. That is all.   
  
Chillin On the Dark Side  
  
Chapter 11: Hara-kiri Gone Awry  
  
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Hiltz cried, twirling around Dark Kaiser's lair joyfully. "I've never felt so elated!"  
  
"The guy's elated....Christ save us all," Raven grumbled, backing away from the spinning moron.   
  
"What's to be happy about?" Reese snapped cynically. "The whole world is a bitter void of lies and tragedy!"   
  
Hiltz stared at Reese in shock. "I'm quite sorry to hear that you're displeased with the world's state of affairs, my dear. But we must remember that with love, we can conquer all!" He threw his hands in the air in a grand gesture and began to sing. "If you're feelin' down, don't worry cause you can do it! If you're feelin' blue, just wait and love'll get you through it! Oh if your skies have all turned gray....don't despair there comes a day....when-SACRE BLEU!" Hiltz screamed as he was blasted at full force with a fire hose.   
  
"I haha with zee laughter! Zees man, he is soaking vith zee vater, no?" Fiona asked, her voice heavily accented.  
  
Zeke gave her a bemused look. "You from Transylvania or something? Or did you just shove peanut M&Ms up your nose again?"  
  
"Oh, no no no. I live in big vhite house on little hill in zee old country. You know vhat, I've never even been south of zee border. I don't even know vhat a vatermelon lookz like." Fiona explained. She shrugged. "But vhat can you do, you know?"  
  
"SPEAKETH THE ENGLISH, WOMAN!" Reese screamed, leaping to her feet and slapping Fiona fully across the face.   
  
*GASP* from the studio audience.  
  
"Well I'll be a tarantula's cousin once removed! Senors and ritas, the psycho has risen from her corner!" Shadow placed a claw on his heart in shock. "Let there be much rejoicing!" And so it was done. Reese left her corner and there was much rejoicing. And liberty and free beer for all.  
  
Hiltz threw his head back dramatically and began a loud chorus of "Alleluiah"s, accompanied by Ambient on the organ. A beam of heavenly light shone down on Reese as the singing heightened. "Alleluiah Alleluiah Alleluiah!" Hiltz drawled. "Take it away, D-meister!" he shouted as the organ notes grew higher.  
  
"Alle...Alle...DEAR GOD ALLELUIAH!!" the Dark Kaiser shrieked. Every window in the lair promptly shattered and the Dark Kaiser passed out from lack of oxygen.  
  
Hiltz clapped dutifully. "Okay peoples, take twelve. You were beautiful DK, some kind of freaky beautiful chick." He sniffed and wiped away a tear. "It hit me man," he told the Dark Kaiser's unconscious body solemnly. He hit his heart with his fist and closed his eyes, taking a long, drawn-out breath. "It hit me right here."  
  
"PICK IT UP, HORACE! VE'RE LOSING HIM, YAH!" Fiona cried, kneeling next to the Dark Kaiser's lifeless corpse. She slammed her fists down on his chest and screamed in alarm. "STAT!"  
  
"Hup hup hup hup hup hup hup," Zeke chanted, rushing to Fiona's side with a water balloon, a squeaky horn, and a Trivial Pursuit gameboard. "I brought everything I could, Doctor Love," he told her breathlessly, looking at the Dark Kaiser in horror. "Large spheres of flame," he remarked, smashing his fist into the ground vehemently. "We've gotta get him back."   
  
"Vell I am trying to get to zat, if you vould please be backing avay? Shoo, shoo. I have much vork to be doing." Fiona waved her hands in a gesture to drive Zeke away.   
  
Zeke wrung his tiny claws nervously, clutching at an imaginary purse. "But, but Doctor," he babbled anxiously. "What if...what if it's too late? He could be halfway to the big coffee house in the sky by now...floating with all those little whippersnappers up in carbohydrate heaven." He choked back a sob. Fiona clapped a hand on his head reassuringly.  
  
"Do not despair, tiny dinosaur vith zee funny accent. I have been vell trained in zee handling of such situationz, you see. You need not cry zee tears. Your friend, I vill bring back to life! It vill be big miracle!" Fiona spun around, lifting her arms to the sky.  
  
Hiltz gasped and his eyes grew big and shiny. *o* "YOU MEAN A REAL ACTUAL REAL LIFE MIRACLE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF OUR ACTUAL EYES?!" He whipped out a floral handkerchief and blew his nose. "Oh my stars! It's too much I say, too much!" He waved his handkerchief rapidly in front of his face in an attempt to calm himself down.  
  
"IF YOU PLEASE, I VOULD LIKE TO GET ON VITH ZEE MIRACLE-MAKING NOW, PLEASE!" Fiona snapped testily. "MIRACLES AREN'T MUNICIPALITIES IN ASIA, YOU KNOW!"  
  
"And you're sure the unnecessary dismemberment is entirely necessary to detract the traces of squirrel DNA?" Zeke asked tentatively. "It seems a tad superfluous. Perhaps we best wait until we see evidence of rabies..."   
  
Fiona spun around angrily, pointing an accusing finger at the silver organoid. "YOU BE QUESTIONING MY METHODS, NO? VHY YOU NO GOOD LOUSY AMERICAN THESPIAN! I GRADUATED FROM ZEE UNIVERSITY OF CANADA AND I AM VELL-EDUCATED IN ZEE MEDICINE AND SUCH! YOU THINK I NOT HAVE GOOD UPBRINGING, IS ZAT IT?! VELL LET ME TELL YOU, YOU DARE INSULT MY HOME COUNTRY AND I BURY YOUR FRIEND ALIVE IN POLISH VINTER BERRIES! YOU UNDERSTAND ZEE VORDS ZAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!"  
  
Zeke backed away slightly, looking horrified. "I didn't mean to question your actions, Dr. Love," he drew in a shaky breath and let it out with a quiet sob. "I'm just so confused!" He buried his face in his claws and started to cry.  
  
"That's right man, let it all out!" Shadow cried, patting Zeke on the back. He handed Zeke a rubber cow. "King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples will bring you comfort and solace in your times of woe!"  
  
Zeke sniffled pitifully. "R-really?" He took the cow and held him gingerly in his claws and his face brightened. "Awww, he reminds me of MooMoo Cowey! Yes you do!" He snuggled King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples affectionately. He looked up to see everyone very, VERY far away from him and glancing in his direction in fear and confusion. "What? If you'd all spent your childhood with MooMoo Cowey and had your life profoundly changed in such a way I can't describe, you'd be a little sentimental, too!" He hugged King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples close to his chest. Then he looked up and stuck his tongue out at them. "SO THERE, INSENSITIVE PANTYWAISTS!!"  
  
"HA! Childhood 'friends'? I wouldn't be caught dead with something like that!" Raven snickered. He began dancing around. "Zeke is a pansy, a pansy, a pansy, Zeke is a pansy who has unusually strong emotional feelings toward A COW!!" He finished and immediately began gasping for air.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU?! HE'S NOT JUST A COW!!" Shadow screamed, looking insulted. "He's King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples and don't you forget it! They're still very partial to massacre and death by the guillotine in his country, you know!"  
  
"Aw, you dainty popinjay!" Hiltz remarked in a jovial voice, giggling and making a "shooing" motion with his hand. "Get outta town!"   
  
"That song didn't rhyme! It didn't even have the right number of syllables! What do you think this is, huh? YOU THINK WE'RE IN ALASKA WHERE IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU DON'T RHYME CAUSE IF A TREE FALLS THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO HEAR IT?!" Reese screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Raven. "Well I've got news for you pal, this is AMERICA, Land of NO opportunity and here, we want our songs and poems RHYMED so that they may be sung with relative ease and relation to the common character! Surrender your freedoms, you live in a country where you don't have any! FREE-EXPRESSION IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT TOLERATED HERE, YOU NONCONFORMIST TRASH!"  
  
"HEY! Hey hey hey hey HEY! My ancestorz came to zees country looking for peace, stability, and zee free cheeze, now are you telling me zhey traveled all zees vay in VAIN?! ZAT ZHEIR GRUELING TRIP TO ZEE NEW VORLD MEANT NOTHING?!" Fiona screamed angrily.   
  
"Hey, you know what, Shadow was at the First Thanksgiving with the Russians and the Indians! He was, he was!" Ambient shouted excitedly, jumping up and down.  
  
Shadow glared at him. "I WASN'T EVEN ALIVE YET, SMART ONE! I WAS BORNED IN THE 1300S, NOT WHENEVER WHAT'S HIS FACE HAD DINNER WITH SOME INDIANS OFF THE COAST OF BRAZIL!! I DON'T EVEN LIKE CORN!" He stopped and thought for a second and then continued yelling. "AND IT WAS THE SWEDES WHO HAD THE THANKSGIVING CHICKEN, NOT THE RUSSIANS! CAN'T YOU EVEN KEEP YOUR HISTORICAL FACTS STRAIGHT?!"  
  
Ambient scowled at the black organoid. "Yeah, well I think YOU'RE the stupid one here on account of you don't even know anything about your origin! Cause if you did, you'd know that ORGANOIDS AREN'T BORN! THEY ARE MANUALLY CREATED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SERVING MAN, BECAUSE THIS IS A BITTER COUNTRY WROUGHT WITH SLAVERY AND INJUSTICE!!"   
  
Shadow stared at Ambient in shock. "You...you mean...I wasn't ever borned? But...but I...HEY!" He smiled suddenly and then glared again at Ambient. "I gots parents, dummy! So obviously I was borned! EXPLAIN THAT ONE MR. KNOWS-IT-ALL-AND-THINKS-IT'S-RIGHT!" He flipped off Ambient triumphantly.  
  
"ERRRR YOU ARE SUCH A MORTAL FOOL! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THEY'VE PLAYED WITH YOUR MIND?! YOU HAVE NO PARENTS SHADOW, YOU HAVE NO PARENTS! IT'S JUST IMAGES IMPLANTED IN YOUR BRAIN TO GIVE YOU A FALSE SENSE OF REASSURANCE AND MAKE YOU TOIL WITHOUT QUESTION OR REBELLION! THAT'S WHAT IT IS, SHADOW, IT'S A PACK OF SCURVY LIES!" He stuck his tongue out at Shadow. "And it's BORN not 'borned', you flake," he added smugly. "Keep those Mr. Gregory grammar lessons together, man."  
  
Shadow looked shocked and confused. "Wh-what? I-I-excuse me for a second...I think I need to go rearrange the tangle of lies and duplicity that is my life..." He walked over to the bathroom door slowly and sobbed. "I WANT MY MOMMY!!"   
  
"You don't HAVE a mommy!" Ambient called out with satisfaction.   
  
Shadow started crying harder. "It all seemed so true! I want my Dachshund Dude sippie cup with the apple juice and the little miniature performing dachshund on the side with the funny hat...WAAAAHHH!!" He threw himself down on the ground and started pounding on it with his fists. "ME WANT, ME WANT, ME WANT!!"  
  
"Awwww, I remember those...and how it had the little rainbow motif and the prancing llamas...*sniffle* they were so beautiful..." Ambient reminisced. Suddenly his eyes bugged out and he grabbed his head, shaking it back and forth vigorously. "NO NO NO! THAT WASN'T REAL! SNAP OUT OF IT AMBIENT, OLD BOY! DON'T LET THEM GET INSIDE YOUR MIND!"  
  
Hiltz's idiotic smile was suddenly replaced with a look of pure terror. "But...my mommy and daddy are real...aren't they?" His voice grew high and pleading. He sat down at his school desk and started scribbling absentmindedly on the Sunday issue of The New York Times. "Gotta be real, gotta be real, gotta be real..."  
  
"YES, your parents are real, Hiltz..." Ambient muttered in annoyance with his teeth clenched. His tiny claws made themselves into fists, which he struggled to keep from making contact with Hiltz's face. "Why they didn't have an infanticide I can't imagine..."  
  
"WHEEEEEE I GOTS PARENTS!!" Hiltz screamed cheerfully, jumping up from the desk and knocking it down in his excitement. He ran around the lair screaming for about five minutes until he suddenly stopped. "How come I haven't seen them for the past..." he began counting on his fingers. "3, 8, 107, 25.6...87.34 years?!"  
  
Ambient buried his face in his claws. "Because they hate you."  
  
"Ohhhhh..." Hiltz nodded energetically. "Then maybe I'll buy them some PineSol, ya know, as a peace offering. Election Day comes but once a year!"  
  
"Oi...I do believe I'm getting a migraine." Ambient massaged his temples with a pained look on his face. "Somebody fetch me a melon and a jumprope."   
  
Shadow looked horrified. "LEAPIN' LIBRARIANS! AMBIENT'S GONNA COMMIT SUICIDE!!" He rushed over to the red organoid and started shaking him. "Don't do it, pal, don't do it! Sure you've been lied to your entire life and you've been sold into slavery under America's most delusional moron but you have to stop and smell the Waffle Crisp because the grandmas that make it would want you to-" He stopped suddenly. "Hey...man, your life is a joke. And...and if your life is a joke then MY life...MY life is a GRAVY TRAIN!"  
  
"But Shadow..." Ambient tried to say.  
  
"No, no Ambient I see clearly now. The condensed water falling from the sky is gone and I see the light at the end of the wombat! Our lives are pitiful enough to be used as stand-up material..."  
  
Reese rushed out in a party hat with streamers and bells all over it, a microphone, and elf shoes with huge blue pompoms on the toes. "Why did Ambient cross the road?"   
  
Cricket cricket cricket cricket...  
  
"CAUSE HE WANTED TO GET RUNNED OVER CAUSE HIS LIFE BLOWS ZEBRAS!!" Specula dutifully tapped out "dun dun chsst" on the drums as Reese bowed to thunderous laughter and applause. "THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT, OKLAHOMA HOMIES!!" Then she disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
"But Shadow..."  
  
"Hahahahahahahaha-oh, are we back?" Shadow straightened his tie and cleared his throat and launched right back into his monologue as though he'd never paused for the comedy interval. "...and we're never going to get anywhere. We will ALWAYS eat Lean Cuisine leftovers. We will NEVER experience the joys of live theater and we will ALWAYS be denied the opportunity to stand up and say 'Balderdash, ye matey' and do you know why?"  
  
"But Shadow..."  
  
"BUT NOTHING, AMBIENT!! It's because we're bitterly mistreated weasels with no futures, no pasts, and no Aunt Jemima pancake mix, and we aren't going to take it anymore! I like the way you've decided to handle things and I'm going to do it with you! So in conclusion I would like to thank King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples for offering his wisdom and his high-powered heat-seeking missiles in times of tyranny, and also Mr. Clean, for giving the world the courage to stand up and say 'Bald is beautiful!'. And also you, my dear misguided Ambient of the Marmets, for showing me the light in a time when all had gone dark. Thank you for making me realize that my existence is futile and that if you're not living large, you may as well be baking cookies in a tree complaining about how no one believes in you."  
  
*Far far away in the fruitful tree of the not-so-renowned Keebler elves*   
  
"Pfft. Who does THAT?" Elwood rolled his eyes and went back to devising a better Keebler cookie.   
  
*Back in the Dark Kaiser's lair, where this cast of idiots has been stuck for the past 3 months...Shadow is still speaking...*  
  
"So we're going to go down TOGETHER!! We are going to end this fabricated and pain-ridden existence because I say NAY!!" Shadow began crying as he bowed, roses falling at his feet. "Thank you, thank you, you're beautiful people. I'll put in a good word upstairs for all of you."  
  
Raven rolled his eyes as he took another slug of his fourth Budlight. "Shadow if you think you're getting up there...HA! I've got better chances of being spirited away to an island in the Caribbean with a bunch of hula chicks and a bottomless keg!" He smirked and sat back in his ridiculously expensive massaging chair.  
  
Shadow grinned. "Okay then, if that's the way you want to play it..." He pressed a huge shiny glowy red button that looks really fun to press. "I WIN!!" he shouted triumphantly as a sonic boom sounded and Raven suddenly disappeared, beer and all.  
  
Fiona looked around the lair with wide eyes. "Now vherever did zat man disappear to, eh vhippersnapper?"   
  
Shadow smirked. "To an island in the Caribbean with a bunch of hula chicks and a bottomless keg, of course. Oh, and a Rubix Cube."  
  
Fiona tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Vhy zat?"  
  
Shadow stared at her as though she'd just told him that he had no chances of winning the Miss United States pageant. "YOU NEVER TRAVEL ANYWHERE WITHOUT A RUBIX CUBE!! DO YOU KNOW NOTHING?!" He took several deep breaths to regain his composure and extended a claw to Ambient. "I'm ready now. I've made the speech of champions and I'm willing to leave this world behind."  
  
Ambient, who was ten seconds away from strapping Shadow to a Japanese kamikaze plane, walked over to the black organoid and grabbed him by the throat. "SHADOW!!!"   
  
"What? I'm right here, you don't have to go all Jay Leno on me...sheesh..." Shadow rolled his eyes.  
  
"No Shadow, apparently I do have to to get you to LISTEN TO ME!! ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES IS GET YOU TO SHUT UP! BUT NOOOOO YOU JUST GO RIGHT ON YAPPING BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAH ABOUT PANCAKES AND OLD MEN AND SLINKIES!! WHAT'S NEXT, HUH? GONNA ATTRIBUTE THE RAISING GAS FARE IN KOREA TO THE FACT THAT YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?! WELL YOU CAN GO DOWN ALONE, YA GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERKFACE, CAUSE I AIN'T GOING WITH YOU!" He turned his back to Shadow and raised his claws in the air. "I'M NOT SELLING MY SOUL TO THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK, YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT GOING TO HELL!!"  
  
Shadow looked extremely annoyed. "Are you finished yet?"  
  
"Yes...yes, I do believe that was all I wanted to say. But in case I didn't illustrate it well enough for you..." Ambient reached out and slapped Shadow in the face. "YOU'RE AN IMBECILE!!"  
  
Shadow glared at the red organoid. "Okay, first of all, that was entirely uncalled for." He slapped Ambient in the face. "But now we're even. Secondly," he continued as Ambient flipped him off, "I never said a word about slinkies and it pains me to think that you weren't listening to my final fare-thee-wells. And to really put the cheese on the flippin' cracker, if you didn't want to commit suicide, you should have told me twenty minutes ago before I ordered this super deluxe ray gun to split us both in half!"  
  
Ambient's face paled. "YOU WHAT?!?!" he screamed. He suddenly realized that he was strapped to the wall with metal chains and unbreakable constraints around his claws, feet, and neck. "Huh? When the crap did this happen?" He looked around and saw that Shadow was chained up next to him. "YOU SON OF A ZOIDIAN, HOW'D YOU DO THIS?!"  
  
Shadow shrugged. "I watch a lot of television." He ignored Ambient's fury as a huge box appeared in front of them. "Oh joy! My super deluxe ray gun! Boy howdy, Ebay's good!"  
  
"R-ray gun?! B-BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE! THERE'S SO MANY BROADWAY MUSICALS I HAVEN'T SEEN, SO MANY JELLYBEANS I HAVEN'T EATEN! I DON'T WANT IT TO END THIS WAY! I'M SO DEPRIVED!" Ambient cried.  
  
Shadow shrugged. "Well gee bob, Ambient, you should've told me that twenty minutes ago."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ambient screamed as he twisted and turned violently, trying desperately to break his bonds. "SHADOW YOU *&*%^%^!! I CAN'T BELIVE THIS *^%&%&$%$%#!! @$#^&**!!$#^%$!!"  
  
O_O "AMBIENT! Control yourself! There's children here!" Shadow gestured to Hiltz, who was staring up from his coloring with wide eyes and Fiona, who was flipping rapidly through a dictionary and gasping. "Really, I must say, I expected better from you! This fic is only rated PG! You want us to lose our jobs?"   
  
"WE'RE ABOUT TO LOSE OUR LIVES, IN CASE YOU'RE FORGETTING, COMMANDER MORON!" Ambient yelled angrily. "AND EVERYBODY LET YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL SPEECH; I DON'T SEE WHY I CAN'T MAKE MINE!"  
  
Shadow sighed dramatically. "At any rate, it doesn't matter now. The time has come and I am fully ready and willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the country. May those who follow in my footsteps never forget this brave moment! I go down with only one regret: that I was not the brilliant mind responsible for creating Easy Cheese, the cheese that can be sprayed with ease." He lowered his head in reverence. "Let us take a moment to remember the greatness of the one who achieved the unthinkable."  
  
"Um...so can I open the box now or what?" Specula asked, standing at the flap of the huge box with a bored look on her face.  
  
"Thank you for believing where others lost faith, for continuing to pursue your dreams when thrown into a mental hospital, and for giving us six different varieties of cheesy greatness to bring joy into our otherwise mundane lives. Amen." Shadow lifted his head and grinned. "Easy Cheese can be purchased at your local food market and is available wherever fine goods are sold. Credit cards are accepted; price and participation may vary. Now available in Mesquite Barbecue!"  
  
Specula stared at him. "Are you done yet or are you just going to keep honoring every moron in world history until you die of NATURAL causes?! Come on, let's get this done already! I've got better things to do than watch you get vaporized-wait, no I don't."  
  
Ambient glared at her. "Whadya mean, you don't?! Do you have no friends? No extracurricular activities?! No raves or sororities or musical entertainment?! NOTHING?!"  
  
Specula shrugged. "Chuck E. Cheeses doesn't open until ten."  
  
Ambient rolled his eyes. "Oh God, how could I forget?" he drawled sarcastically. "Honestly...their mascot is an oversized RAT for crying out loud!"   
  
Specula scowled. "Look, just because YOU never have anywhere to go on a Friday night doesn't mean you can badmouth Chuck E. Cheese...I invited you to go last weekend but noooooo..."  
  
"Aw, don't worry about your lack of social status Ambient...you won't have any more weekends where you're sitting at home wearing your floral robe and watching Love Boat reruns while feasting on Pokemon fruit snacks, I can tell you that right now." Shadow assured him.  
  
Ambient brightened. "Really? I-HEY!" His eyes narrowed as he looked over at Shadow. "How'd you know that's what I do on Friday nights?"   
  
Shadow looked disgusted. "You mean you really DO that stuff?! Sheesh, I was just taking a random guess! You're more of a loser than I thought!"   
  
Ambient groaned in despair. "Why me? Why me?" He snapped out of it and shouted at Shadow. "Hey, those Pokemon fruit snacks are fine cuisine! They come in seven different flavors AND the new packages include grape Pidgeottos and strawberry Vileplumes! SO THERE, YOU CHARLATAN!!"  
  
"Oh no no, it's not the Pokemon fruit snacks that disturb me...it's the fact that you act out battle scenes with them and pretend that you're Ash Ketchum." Shadow replied nonchalantly.   
  
"Hey, that only happened once!" Ambient shot back. Then he grinned stupidly. "Mostly I prefer being Lt. Surge."  
  
"CAN I OPEN THE ROOTIN-TOOTIN BOX YET?!" Specula screamed impatiently.   
  
"Okay, okay...no need to go medieval on me, Specula," Shadow replied calmly. He threw his head back dramatically and accidentally smashed it against the wall. "Ow...that hurted..." he whined.   
  
"And you think getting sliced in half by a laser isn't going to hurt?!" Ambient shouted angrily.   
  
Shadow looked at the red organoid in disbelief. "Of course not, don't be an idiot. It kills you instantly; you won't even feel anything!"   
  
"Gee thanks, I feel SO much better about being violently slaughtered now." Ambient remarked dryly.  
  
"Just doing my job, my friend." Shadow replied as Specula opened the box to reveal a black and blue super-deluxe ray gun with a giant picture of a 10,000 year old fruitcake on the side. "The time has come! I bid my final adieu to all those who will sorely miss my presence in this world."  
  
"Such as?" Specula smirked.   
  
"Daisy Fuentes and Colonel Sanders," Shadow told her solemnly. "And the creators of Clorox laundry products."  
  
"MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC, MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC, MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC OF CLOROX BLEACH, WOO!!" Hiltz and Fiona formed a two-person chorus line and began screeching as many commercial jingles as they could think of.   
  
"Oooo, ooo how about BADADADADA I'M LOVIN' IT!!" Ambient sang.   
  
Hiltz slung an arm around Fiona and they began swaying back and forth. "YOU WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY! SO HARD FOR IT HONEY! YOU WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY SO WE GOTTA TREAT YOU RIGHT!!"  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!" Specula screamed, causing the entire lair to shake and breaking almost as many windows as the Dark Kaiser during his stirring rendition of the "Alleluiah Chorus". Everyone turned and stared at her and Reese stopped dead in the middle of the Gilligan's Island theme song.  
  
Specula jumped on top of the ray gun and positioned herself in front of the huge shiny polka-dot button that would activate the ray. "THIS ISN'T GONNA BE PUT OFF ANY LONGER! YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE SEVERED, I'M GONNA POINT AND LAUGH, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE HUNKY-DORY!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GRAB YOUR POPCORN AND TARTAR SAUCE CAUSE THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!!"   
  
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Hiltz cried joyfully, stuffing his portable steak into his portable cookerator and settling down into a cow patterned beanbag with a plastic container of eatable bubbles at his side. "This is gonna be the bestest fun I've had since I adopted that squirrel on National Recycling Day last year!"   
  
Ambient's face contorted into a look of pure terror. "NO!! DON'T PRESS IT! I'M TOO YOUNG! I'VE BARELY EVEN BEGUN TO LIVE!!"  
  
"Now, Specula! The button!" Shadow shouted, closing his eyes. "FAREWELL CRUEL WORLD!!" He sniffled slightly. "If only I was a better tapdancer...I could've gone pro one day..."  
  
"HANG ON TO YOUR HIPPOS!!" Specula yelled happily as she pressed the button.   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! I NEVER FULFILLED MY DREAMS!! I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI!! I NEVER PROCLAIMED MY LOVE FOR THAT GIRL IN CHALKZONE!! OH PENNY, IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!" Ambient screamed as he and Shadow were violently blasted with...STRAWBERRY DANIMALS DRINKABLE YOGURT?!?!   
  
"WHAT THE #%$#^%$&&?! WHAT IS THIS, SPECULA?!" Shadow screamed in fury, spitting out a mouthful of yogurt in disgust.   
  
"Umm...uhh...I'M SORRY IT WAS ALL THEY HAD! DON'T KILL ME!!" Specula cried, dropping to her knees and bowing her head in shame.   
  
"I DON'T WANT YOUR TRASHY EXCUSES YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BUMPKIN!! I TELL YOU TO ORDER ME A SUPER-DELUXE RAY GUN FROM EBAY AND THIS IS ALL I GET?! I'VE GOT HALF A MIND TO BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!!"  
  
"Mmmmm good steak..." Hiltz drooled as he dipped his steak in tapioca pudding and shoved it in his mouth. He saw Fiona eyeing his pride and joy and hugged it to his chest protectively. "My steak! You no have!"   
  
Fiona's eyes filled with tears. "All I vanted vas a little tapioca. Is zat so much to ask?" she cried out miserably.   
  
Hiltz tilted his head to the side and thought for a few minutes. "Hmm...okay. I've got an extra tub of that." He threw the container of tapioca at Fiona and snapped his fingers at her while grinning idiotically. "Eat it all and have a ball!"  
  
"Zee joy, it fills me, yah!" Fiona cried joyfully as she whipped out a jumbo-sized bottle of maraschino cherries and mixed them into the tapioca. She began chugging the mixture greedily. "Magnifique!" she shouted joyfully, spitting tapioca and cherries all over the floor.  
  
Reese clamped her hands over her mouth as her face paled. "Aw God...I think I'm gonna spew."  
  
"But Shadow," Specula pleaded. "You told me to order from *G*bay, not Ebay! And Gbay is against the selling of advanced high-tech weaponry. They promote maple syrup, cotton balls, and pineapple-flavored bubble bath!"  
  
"GBAY?! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GBAY?!" Shadow thundered. "WHAT KINDA FRUITY SCREWED-UP ONLINE CORPORATION SELLS DANIMALS DRINKABLE YOGURT BLASTING GUNS?!"   
  
"Er, actually, it's a fruitcake-blasting gun...I went to the trouble of loading it with the yogurt cause I know you're allergic to pecans." Specula told him.   
  
"SINCE WHEN ARE FRUITCAKES MEANT TO BE USED AS AMMUNITION?! THEIR ONLY PURPOSE IS SERVING AS THE WORLD'S CRAPPIEST AND MOST UNWANTED CHRISTMAS PRESENT! WHAT KIND OF DELUSIONAL MORON USES THEM TO LAUNCH ATTACKS ON MANKIND?!"   
  
"LAUNCH THE ATTACK!!" Hiltz screamed as he and Fiona began chucking fruitcakes at the television screen. "DIE YOU WRETCH!" he shouted as the image of Martha Stewart was bombarded with fruity desserts.  
  
Ambient's eyes, which had been tightly shut for the past ten minutes, finally opened. He looked around in astonishment, realizing that he was still surrounded by idiots. "I-I'm...alive?! I'M ALIVE!! Oh joy! Oh rapture! OH COCONUTS!!" he cried happily. "I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE AND-" he stopped suddenly and looked at his yogurt-coated armor. "-covered with some really nasty-smelling crap."  
  
Shadow suddenly stopped screaming at Specula and smirked as he turned to Ambient. "Quite so...you're alive. Perhaps you'd like to explain this 'Penny' business?"  
  
Ambient paled and looked around wildly for any chance of escape. Nothing. He fought in desperation to break the chains. "I-I was delirious! Delusional! I was seconds from death and I didn't know what I was saying!"   
  
"Oh really? Then explain...THIS!!" Shadow whipped a copy of the "ChalkZone's Greatest Moments" DVD out of his pocket.  
  
"HEY!! YOU WENT THROUGH MY CLOSET, YOU LUMMOX!!" Ambient screamed furiously.   
  
"Oh, so this does belong to you?" Shadow asked smugly.   
  
Ambient gulped as he realized the fatal mistake he had made. "Well I-I...you see, it was one of those things where...and the Dark Kaiser he said...and then... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ambient screamed so loudly that he broke his bonds and fell from where he was strapped on the wall. "I'M FREE, I'M FREE!! I'M AN ESCAPE ARTIST CONNOISSEUR!!" he shouted joyfully. He whipped out a piece of magic chalk and quickly drew a really crappy-looking circle on the wall.   
  
"TO CHALKZONE!!" he screamed triumphantly as he jumped through the portal. "RUDY!! PENNY!! I'M COMING!! I WANT TO BE ONE OF YOU!! I LOVE CHALK!! AND PEACOCKS!! I WANNA BE PART OF YOUR FAMILY!! FOREVER!!"  
  
o_O Shadow, Specula, Hiltz, Fiona, and Reese all watched in shock, confusion, and fear as Ambient ran off. For about fifteen minutes everyone just stood around staring at each other like total morons until Reese finally spoke.  
  
"He left the portal open," she said, staring at it. She turned to look at the four imbeciles surrounding her and nodded slowly. They all nodded back at her and after about ten more seconds of silence the choice was made.   
  
"TO CHALKZONE!!!!" they screamed together as they jumped through the portal and the ChalkZone theme song began playing.   
  
*Far far away on an island in the Caribbean...*  
  
Raven*eyes one of the many hula chicks as he reaches into his bottomless keg for another Michelob Ultra*: Well well well...*whistles and smirks* aLOha...  
  
o_O Oh God...they all went into ChalkZone...this can't be good...  
  
Vega: Hey, don't forget all your excuses for taking so long.   
  
*glares* It was school! All school! Plus I've been sick for the past two weeks...and yet, I still went to school the entire time. Thank God I'm on vacation now...I've never been so tortured.  
  
Vega*rolls eyes*: Sheesh...all you ever do is complain.  
  
*scowls* Why Vega, I don't think I've ever properly introduced you to the food processor! *grabs him by the collar and drags him over to her gigantic food processor*  
  
Vega: O_O  
  
Well that's all you're gonna get, people! Feel free to review while I teach my muse a lesson-it inspires the insanity needed to write this fic. ^____________^  
  
Thanks, appreciation, and candy go to: Sanity-Stealing-Lawn-Gnome, Annie, Evil Person, Final Paradise, Maelgwyn, The Echidna, Dark Warrior, Blackraven10187, Stryker, Any-mass, idesel, The Black Blade Liger X (^____________________^)  
  
Amrun: *proudly presents you with...A DANCING TOMATO!!* YAY!! ^___________^  
  
Paladin Dragoon: *gives you the biggest cookie the world has ever sawed!* WHEEEEEE BIG BIG COOKIE AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU!! THE INSANITY WILL NEVER END!! ^_________________^   
  
The Krazed Kitsune: The same thing happened to me all last year...I think I started scaring people from laughing so hard. But now I can't do that cause I don't have a computer class this year...-_-. Anyways, thanks so much for the reviews and I hope you liked this chappie! ^.^  
  
weeheed: Thanks for the review. Now go work on your Raven/Reese fic; I want more of that! ^_^ 


	12. 1,000 Pictures of Rudy on the Wall, 1,00...

Me again! Thanks to NekoRaven, I actually have another chapter for this fic. *raises fist victoriously* FORWARD, MARCH!  
  
Disclaimer: NO, OKAY?! NO!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! o_O  
  
Chillin On the Dark Side  
  
Chapter 12: 1,000 Pictures of Rudy on the Wall, 1,000 Pictures of Rudy...  
  
"Whoa...I definitely don't like it here," Shadow remarked as he looked around at the bright, mindless joviality of ChalkZone.  
  
*o* "What's not to like?! I LOVE it here!" Hiltz cried, dancing merrily about and breaking into an energetic chorus of "Walking on Sunshine." "It awakens my inner self!"  
  
"I no wanna be here. Me wanna go home." Fiona whined, twisting a piece of blonde hair around her finger.   
  
"Well I wanna know where Rudy is." Reese remarked impatiently, glancing around hoping to catch a sight of the legendary main character. She noticed that everyone else was giving her very strange looks and shifted her weight back and forth nervously. "Well uh...just for kicks, you know? Not that I actually wanna MEET the guy...it's not like I've admired him from afar for the past two years...do I look like the kind of person that would have a shrine dedicated to Rudy in her closet? Because I really don't...and I don't have 1,578 pictures of him taped on the walls behind my dresser-" She stopped speaking when Specula kicked her and glared at the organoid. "What was that for?! I told you I don't have an intense burning passion for Rudy! I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T!!"  
  
"Trust me, Reese, nothing makes me think you do," Specula rolled her eyes sarcastically.   
  
Reese sighed in relief. "Aw, good. I thought I gave away my life's secret."  
  
"So where ARE we, anywho?" Shadow asked, looking around slightly fearfully at the colorful sky and the cheerful birds. "This place really disturbs me."  
  
"I think I have allergies to this green stuff that's all over the ground," Fiona complained, sniffling pitifully.  
  
"You mean...the GRASS?" Specula asked slowly, not sure she understood.   
  
"NO!! THE GREEN STUFF!! WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?!" Fiona screamed.   
  
"No, I'm Hiltz," Hiltz remarked, tossing his head dramatically.  
  
"Hey wait a second...where's Zeke?" Specula asked.  
  
"Why, do you MISS him?" Shadow snickered slyly, batting his eyelashes.   
  
"NO!" Specula screamed, a little too loudly. "I just...did we leave him behind?"  
  
"Would it matter to you if we did?" Shadow smiled deviously.   
  
Specula growled and brandished her claws at the black organoid. "Would it matter to you if I throttled you?"  
  
"Nope, not a bit."  
  
Specula glared and stepped forward. "Alright then!"   
  
Shadow gulped and took a step back. "Uh...you mean you weren't speaking hypothetically?"   
  
Specula's eyes narrowed. "Were you?"  
  
"Of COURSE I was...I know you don't especially like Zeke. It's common knowledge." Shadow waved a claw nonchalantly.  
  
Specula lowered her claws slowly, eyeing Shadow suspiciously. "Really?"  
  
Shadow nodded vigorously. "Oh YEAH...it's Ambient you've got a thing for."   
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"  
  
"I mean after all, why would you come in here chasing after him if you didn't want to sabotage his relationship with Penny? It's all too clear." Shadow shrugged. "But hey, it's hard to hide true love."  
  
"TRUE...LOVE?!"   
  
"Well sure. I mean when Hiltz used to watch Sesame Street-"  
  
o_O "WOOOOOOOKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Specula held two claws up in alarm. "Say whatever you want about Ambient; just...just DON'T bring up that subject ever again in my presence."   
  
Shadow looked confused. "What, the Big Bird days? I dunno, Specula, I always thought you rather enjoyed 'Story Time.'"  
  
Specula buried her face in her claws and shook her head back and forth. "Leave me alone, Shadow, just leave me alone!"  
  
Shadow shrugged and turned away. "Sure...whatever floats your boat, babe."  
  
"*WHAT* DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"   
  
Shadow cringed. "Er...nothing?"   
  
Specula raised a fist at him. "Wrong answer, pal." She was seconds from personally slaughtering the organoid when she heard Reese cry out in shock and disgust.  
  
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT?!" Reese yelled at Fiona, who's eyes grew wide and afraid at the other girl's rage.   
  
Fiona got down on the ground and sat in front of the figure protectively. "It's the Dark Kaiser's lifeless corpse," she replied nonchalantly.  
  
Reese's face turned red with fury. "I KNOW THAT, YOU IMBECILE! WHAT I DON'T KNOW IS WHY YOU DRAGGED THAT WORTHLESS WASTE OF A HUMAN BEING IN HERE WITH US!!"  
  
"I didn't want him to wake up and find us all gone," Fiona explained. Her eyes grew pleading and sad. "I had to bring him with us; I couldn't leave him to wake up alone and afraid."  
  
"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Reese screamed, rolling her eyes in disgust. "THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC THING I'VE EVER HEARD! YOU'RE AN INSULT TO THE HUMAN RACE, YOU PINK-SKIRTED YAHOO! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! STOP WASTING MY OXYGEN!"  
  
Fiona stared blankly at her. Then she looked down at the Dark Kaiser's unconscious body, and then back up at Reese. "Are you sure? Because he looks kinda dead."  
  
"ARGH!!" Reese grabbed hold of her hair with her hands and tugged violently. "Are you really this stupid or are you just trying to impress me?"  
  
"Well gee, why would I want to impress you? I'm confident that you accept me for who I am, regardless of race, religion, or preference of yogurt flavor-"  
  
"Okay shut up." Reese turned away from the blonde to address the others. "Okay, we came in here to find Ambient and that's what we're going to do. Shadow and Specula, you go that way," she pointed right, "Hiltz and I will go left, and Fiona, you and the dead useless trash pile can go-"  
  
"HE'S NOT DEAD!!" Fiona cried fearfully, hugging the Dark Kaiser possessively. "He's just sleeping!"  
  
"Errr, right. So you and the dead useless trash pile go that way," she explained, pointing straight ahead. "Everybody got that?"  
  
"But um, I didn't come here to find Ambient." Shadow protested. "I came here to swipe some magic chalk, bring it back to Zi, and take over Jerusalem."  
  
O.O "Can't you do that on your personal health day? This is important, Shadow." Reese insisted.  
  
"Why? It's just Ambient. Didn't you once tell him that he could suffer to the point of death in the Alaskan wasteland and you'd fly overhead in a jet-powered helicopter just to laugh at him?"   
  
Reese shrugged. "That was before. Since then I've realized I'd rather kill him myself. And I can't kill him if he's out running around ChalkZone searching for what's-her-name..."  
  
"Penny," Hiltz supplied joyfully. "Her name's Penny. Me and Ambient, one time he let me watch his DVD with him and every time she came on the screen he would jump up and shout 'HOLY CANADIAN, THAR SHE BLOWS!!' and have a heart attack and then whenever Rudy came on he would throw popcorn at him and scream 'VAYA AL INFIERNO, PERRA!!' which I think is some kind of weird Austrian dialect only I'm not really sure because-"  
  
"WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!" Reese screamed in terror. She noticed Specula smirking at her and gulped. "I mean, not that I really want to know, it's just that...he shouldn't be wasting popcorn cause there's starving people in Wisconsin and...boy is it hot in here or what?" She fanned herself nervously.  
  
Hiltz shrugged. "Heck if I know. I'm just a struggling talk-show host."  
  
Shadow looked thoughtful. "Hey yeah, I remember that. Ambient said that if he ever met Rudy face to face he'd burn him at the stake and beat him violently with a stick while he was burning. And then he'd shove a watermelon down his throat." The organoid rolled his eyes. "He's convinced Rudy's gonna steal Penny and take her off to Jamaica before he has a chance with her."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" Reese's eyes were large and terrified. "WHAT ARE WE WAITIN FER?! WE'VE GOTTA CATCH THAT FLAMING LUNATIC!" She ran off wildly, screaming for Hiltz to follow her.  
  
Specula shook her head as she watched them go. "There goes a sad, delusional little person. I almost feel sorry for her." She stopped and thought for a second. "Nah, actually I don't give a crap."  
  
Shadow turned and looked at her. "So whadya wanna do now? I don't think Flippin Moron and Obsessive Deranged Mutant Freak are coming back."  
  
Specula shrugged. "Jiminy cricket, I dunno. We could go out for muffins or something, I guess."  
  
"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard." Shadow scoffed. "We're in ChalkZone, idiot. Tell me where we're supposed to find a McMuffin's with a dollar menu and a drive-thru."  
  
"Well then, you think of something, jerkface." Specula shot back.  
  
Shadow thought hard for a few minutes. "I suppose we could always go back through the portal to get home, go root through Dark Kaiser's personal things to scrounge together a few bucks, go to the McMuffin's near Wyndne Lake and get the Early Bird Special to go, then come back through the portal and eat our muffins in peace and harmony."  
  
Specula stared at him. "THAT'S your idea?! I've never heard anything so idiotic!" She huffed. "It's 11:00! There's no way we're on time for the Early Bird Special! Your idea is a complete and total failure!"  
  
"WELL FINE! I GUESS WE'LL JUST SIT HERE AMIDST THIS INFURIATING GAIETY UNTIL WE DIE!!" Shadow yelled, plopping down on the ground defiantly.  
  
"FINE BY ME!" Specula threw herself down beside him, glaring. They sat there not speaking for about thirty seconds until Shadow looked over at Specula.  
  
"Let's go get muffins."  
  
"Okay."   
  
Yup, that's right. This is it. I've recently discovered that insanity can't be dragged on for ten pages at a time. Short bursts work a lot better. It saves you time and it saves me grief. So there you have it. It also means that the next chapter will be coming a lot faster, and that's always a good thing. Please please please review! *makes pleading face* If not this, then my Brad/Naomi fic. And if not that, then review The Trinity Project by Neko-Guardian...it's a really well-written fic and it deserves a lot more recognition. And if you review all of them...wow. You're my best friend. ^_^  
  
Little Link: Um...I don't really think they care about being your best friend. I think they'd rather get on with their lives.  
  
Vega: And I think they'd want something better than that, anyways. Like cookies. Or cash prizes.  
  
Little Link*in deep announcer voice*: Or...A BRAND NEW CAR!! *gameshow music*  
  
*rolls her eyes* Okay how about this...they each get one of these *takes out a welrod* and then...they get to shoot you guys.  
  
Vega: WHAT?! YOU'RE PUTTING US AT THE MERCY OF THE REVIEWERS?!  
  
Little Link: You-you can't do that! *looks at Vega* Can she do that?  
  
*handing out welrods* I think I just did. *shrugs* Don't worry...they're nice people; they probably won't take advantage of this opportunity.   
  
Vega*shudders*: That's what YOU think.  
  
Well, it's out of my hands now. Review, people. Please? ^.^ It's greatly appreciated, honestly it is. 


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